roixop 


George 
Barr 
McCutcheon 


LIBRARY    I 

UNIVERhHV  OF 
CALIr  . 

SAN  DIFGO 


YOLLOP 


LEAVING  MRS.  CHAMPNEY  SEATED  ALONE  AND  HELPLESS 
IN  THE  MIDST  OF  THE  CONFUSION,  SMILK  MARCHED 
MR.  YOLLOP  TO  HIS  BEDROOM  Page  58 


YOLLOP 


BY 

GEORGE  BARR  McCUTCHEON 

Author  of  "THE  DAY  or  THE  DOG," 
"SHERRY,"  "QUILL'S  WINDOW,"  ETC. 


FRONTISPIECE  BY 

EDWARD  C.  CASWELL 


NEW  YORK 

DODD,  MEAD  AND  COMPANY 
1922 


COPTMGHT,   1922 

BY  DODD,  MEAD  AND  COMPANY,  INC. 


PRINTED    IN  U.    8.   A. 


YOLLOP 


YOLLOP 


CHAPTER  ONE 


IN  the  first  place,  Mr.  Yollop  knew  nothing 
about  firearms.  And  so,  after  he  had  over- 
powered the  burglar  and  relieved  him  of  a 
fully  loaded  thirty-eight,  he  was  singularly  un- 
impressed by  the  following  tribute  from  the 
bewildered  and  somewhat  exasperated  cap- 
tive: 

"Say,  ain't  you  got  any  more  sense  than  to 
tackle  a  man  with  a  gun,  you  chuckle-headed 
idiot?"  (Only  he  did  not  say  "chuckle- 
headed,"  and  he  inserted  several  expletives 
between  "say"  and  "ain't.") 

The  dazed  intruder  was  hunched  limply,  in  a 
sitting  posture,  over  against  the  wall,  one  hand 
clamped  tightly  to  his  jaw,  the  other  being  el- 
evated in  obedience  to  a  command  that  had  to 
be  thrice  repeated  before  it  found  lodgment 
in  his  whirling  brain.  Mr.  Yollop,  who  seemed 
to  be  satisfied  with  the  holding  up  of  but  one 
hand,  cupped  his  own  hand  at  the  back  of  one 

ear,  and  demanded  querulously: 

i 


2  YOLLOP 

"What  say?" 

"Are  you  hard  o'  hearin'?" 

"Hey?" 

"Well  for  the — say,  are  you  deef?" 

"Don't  say  deef.  Say  deaf, — as  if  it  were 
spelled  d-e-double  f.  Yes, — I  am  a  little  hard 
of  hearing. ' ' 

"Now,  how  the  hell  did  you  hear — I  say, 
how  did  you  hear  me  in  the  room,  if  it's  a  fair 
question?" 

"If  you've  got  anything  in  your  mouth,  spit 
it  out.  I  can't  make  out  half  what  you  say. 
Sounds  like  « olio— olio— olio M" 

The  thief  opened  his  mouth  and  with  his 
tongue  instituted  a  visible  search  for  the  ob- 
struction that  appeared  to  annoy  Mr.  Yollop. 

"They're  all  here  except  the  one  I  had  pulled 
last  year,"  he  announced  vastly  relieved.  A 
sharp  spasm  of  pain  in  his  jaw  caused  him  to 
abruptly  take  advantage  of  a  recent  discovery; 
and  while  he  was  careful  to  couch  his  opinions 
in  an  undertone,  he  told  Mr.  Yollop  what  he 
thought  of  him  in  terms  that  would  have  put 
the  hardiest  pirate  to  blush.  Something  in  Mr. 
Yollop 's  eye,  however,  and  the  fidgety  way  in 
which  he  was  fingering  the  trigger  of  the  pistol, 
moved  him  to  interrupt  a  particularly  satisfy- 
ing paean  of  blasphemy  by  breaking  off  short 
in  the  very  middle  of  it  to  wonder  why  in  God's 


YOLLOP  3 

name  he  hadn't  had  sense  enough  to  remember 
that  all  deaf  people  are  lip-readers. 

"Spit  it  out!"  repeated  Mr.  Yollop,  with 
energy.  "Don't  talk  with  your  mouth  full.  I 
can't  understand  a  word  you  say." 

This  was  reassuring  but  not  convincing. 
There  was  still  the  ominous  glitter  in  the  speak- 
er's eye  to  be  reckoned  with.  The  man  on  the 
floor  took  the  precaution  to  explain:  "I  hope 
you  didn't  hear  what  I  was  callin'  myself." 
He  spoke  loudly  and  very  distinctly. 

"That's  better,"  said  Mr.  Yollop,  his  face 
brightening.  "I  was  afraid  my  hearing  had 
got  worse  without  my  knowing  it.  All  you 
have  to  do  is  to  enunciate  distinctly  and  speak 
slowly  like  that, — as  if  you  were  isolating  the 
words, — so  to  speak, — and  I  can  make  out 
everything  you  say.  What  were  you  calling 
yourself?" 

"Oh,  just  a  lot  of  names.  I'd  sooner  not 
repeat  'em  if  there 's  any  women  in  the  house. ' ' 

"Well,  bless  my  soul,  that's  uncommonly 
thoughtful  of  you.  My  sister  and  her  young 
daughter  are  here  to  spend  the  holidays  with 
me.  They  sleep  at  the  back  of  the  apartment. 
Now,  if  you  will  just  remain  as  you  are, — I  dare 
say  you'd  better  put  up  the  other  hand,  too, 
if  you  can  spare  it, — I  will  back  up  to  the  ta- 
ble here  and  get  my  listening  apparatus.  Now 


4  YOLLOP 

you  won't  have  to  shout  so.  I  don't  know 
much  about  revolvers,  but  I  assume  that  all  one 
has  to  do  to  make  it  go  off  is  to  press  rather 
firmly  on  this  little  contrivance — " 

"Yes!    But  don't!" 

"Not  so  loud!  Not  so  loud!  I'm  not  as 
deaf  as  all  that.  And  don't  move!  I  give  you 
fair  warning.  Watch  me  closely.  If  you  see 
me  shut  my  eyes,  you  will  know  I'm  going  to 
shoot.  Remember  that,  will  you  ?  The  instant 
you  detect  the  slightest  indication  that  my  eyes 
are  about  to  close, — dodge!" 

"By  thunder, — I — I  wonder  if  you're  as 
much  of  a  blame  fool  as  you  seem  to  be, — or  are 
you  just  playing  horse  with  me,"  muttered  the 
victim,  as  he  raised  his  other  hand.  "I'd  give 
ten  years  of  my  life  to  know, — " 

"I  won't  be  a  second,"  announced  Mr.  Yol- 
lop,  backing  gingerly  toward  the  table.  With 
his  free  hand  he  felt  for  and  found  the  rather 
elaborate  contraption  that  furnished  him  with 
the  means  to  counteract  his  auricular  deficien- 
cies. The  hand  holding  the  revolver  wobbled 
a  bit ;  nevertheless,  the  little  black  hole  at  which 
the  dazed  robber  stared  as  if  fascinated  was 
amazingly  steadfast  in  its  regard  for  the  second 
or  perhaps  the  third  button  of  his  coat.  "It's 
a  rather  complicated  arrangement,"  he  went 
on  to  explain,  "but  very  simple  once  you  get  it 


YOLLOP  5 

adjusted  to  the  ear.  It  took  me  some  time  to 
get  used  to  wearing  this  steel  band  over  the  top 
of  my  head.  I  never  have  tried  to  put  it  on 
with  one  hand  before.  Amazing  how  awkward 
one  can  be  with  his  left  hand,  isn't  it!  Now, 
you  see  how  it  goes.  This  little  receiver  busi- 
ness clamps  right  down  to  the  ear, — so.  Then 
this  disc  hangs  over  my  chest — and  you  talk 
right  at  it.  For  awhile  I  made  a  practice  of 
concealing  it  under  my  vest,  being  somewhat 
sensitive  about  having  strangers  see  that  I  am 
deaf,  but  one  day  my  niece,  a  very  bright  child 
of  ten,  asked  me  why  I  did  it.  I  told  her  it 
was  because  I  didn't  want  people  to  know  I 
was  deaf.  Have  you  ever  felt  so  foolish  that 
you  wanted  to  kick  yourself  all  over  town? 
Well,  then  you  know  how  I  felt  when  that 
blessed  infant  pointed  to  this  thing  on  my  ear 
and— What  say?" 

"I  say,  that's  the  way  I've  been  feeling  ever 
since  I  came  to,"  repeated  the  disgusted  bur- 
glar. 

"Of  course,  I  realize  that  it's  a  physical,  you 
might  well  say,  a  scientific  impossibilty,  for  one 
to  kick  himself  all  over  town,  but  just  the  same, 
I  believe  you  are  as  nearly  in  the  mood  to  accom- 
plish it  as  any  man  alive  to-day." 

"You  bet  I  could,"  snapped  the  thief,  with 
great  earnestness.  "When  I  think  how  I  let  a 


6  YOLLOP 

skinny,  half-witted  boob  like  you  walk  right  into 
a  clinch  with  me,  and  me  holdin'  a  gun,  and 
weighin'  forty  pounds  more  than  you  do,  I — 
Can  you  hear  what  I'm  saying?" 

11  Perfectly.  It's  a  wonderful  invention," 
said  Mr.  Yollop,  who  had  approached  to  within 
four  or  five  feet  of  the  speaker  and  was  bending 
over  to  afford  him  every  facility  for  planting 
his  words  squarely  upon  the  disc.  "  Speak  in 
the  same  tone  of  voice  that  you  would  employ 
if  I  were  about  thirty  feet  away  and  perfectly 
sound  of  hearing.  Just  imagine,  if  you  can, 
that  I  am  out  in  the  hall,  with  the  door  open, 
and  you  are  carrying  on  a  conversation  with 
me  at  that — " 

"I've  said  all  I  want  to  say,"  growled  the 
other  sullenly. 

"What  is  your  name?" 

"None  of  your  damn  business." 

Mr.  Yollop  was  silent  for  a  moment.  Then 
he  inquired  steadily : 

"Have  you  any  recollection  of  receiving  a 
blow  on  the  jaw,  and  subsequently  lying  on  the 
flat  of  your  back  with  my  knees  jouncing  up 
and  down  on  your  stomach  while  your  bump  of 
amativeness  was  being  roughly  and  somewhat 
regularly  pounded  against  the  wall  in  response 
to  a  certain  nervous  and  uncontrollable  move- 
ment of  my  hands  which  happened  to  be  squeez- 


YOLLOP  7 

ing  your  windpipe  so  tightly  that  your  tongue 
hung  out  and — " 

"You  bet  I  remember  it!"  ruefully. 

"Well,  then,"  said  Mr.  Yollop,  "what  is  your 
name?" 

"Jones." 

"What?" 

"I  thought  you  said  you  could  hear  with  that 
thing!" 

"I  heard  you  say  Jones  quite  distinctly,  but 
why  can't  you  answer  my  question?  It  was 
civil  enough,  wasn't  it?" 

"Well,"  said  the  crook,  still  decidedly  un- 
certain as  to  the  expression  in  Mr.  Yollop 's  eye, 
"if  you  insist  on  a  civil  answer,  it's  Smilk." 

"Smith?" 

"No,  not  Smith,"  hastily  and  earnestly; 
"Smilk— S-m-i-1-k." 

"Smilk?" 

"Smilk." 

"Extraordinary  name.  I've  never  heard  it 
before,  have  you  ? ' ' 

The  rascal  blinked.  "Sure.  It  was  my 
father's  name  before  me,  and  my — " 

"Look  me  in  the  eye!" 

"I  am  lookin'  you  in  the  eye.  It's  Smilk, — 
Cassius  Smilk." 

"Sounds  convincing,"  admitted  Mr.  Yollop. 
"Nobody  would  take  the  name  of  Cassius  in 


8  YOLLOP 

vain,  I  am  sure.  As  a  sensible,  discriminat- 
ing thief,  you  would  not  deliberately  steal  a 
name  like  Cassius,  now  would  you?" 
"Well,  you  see,  they  call  me  Cash  for  short," 
explained  Smilk.  "That's  something  I  can 
steal  with  a  clear  conscience." 

1 '  I  perceive  you  are  recovering  your  wits,  Mr. 
Smilk.  You  appear  to  be  a  most  ingenuous 
rogue.  Have  you  ever  tried  writing  the  book 
for  a  musical  comedy?" 

"A-^what?" 

"A  musical  comedy.  A  forty-legged  thing 
you  see  on  Broadway. ' ' 

Mr.  Smilk  pondered.  "No,  sir,"  he  replied, 
allowing  himself  a  prideful  leer;  "if  I  do  say  it 
as  shouldn't,  I'm  an  honest  thief." 

"Bless  my  soul,"  cried  Mr.  Yollop  delight- 
edly; "you  get  brighter  every  minute.  Per- 
haps you  have  at  one  time  or  another  conducted 
a  humorous  column  for  a  Metropolitan  news- 
paper?" 

"Well,  I've  done  my  share  towards  fillin' 
up  the  'lost'  column,"  said  Mr.  Smilk  modestly. 
"Say,  if  we're  going  to  keep  up  this  talkfest 
much  longer,  I  got  to  let  my  hands  down.  The 
blood's  runnin'  out  of  'em.  What  are  you 
goin'  to  do  with  me?  Keep  me  sittin'  here  till 
morning?" 


YOLLOP  9 

"Fm  glad  you  reminded  me  of  it.  I  want  to 
call  the  police." 

"Well,  I'm  not  hindering  you,  am  I?" 

"In  a  way,  yes.  How  can  I  call  them  and 
keep  an  eye  on  you  at  the  same  time  ? ' ' 

"I'll  tell  what  I'll  do,"  said  Cassius  Smilk 
obligingly.  "I'll  take  a  message  'round  to  the 
police  station  for  you." 

"Ah!  That  gives  me  an  idea.  You  shall 
telephone  to  the  police  for  me.  If  my  memory 
serves  me  well,  Spring  3100  is  the  number.  Or 
is  it  Spring  3100  that  calls  out  the  fire  depart- 
ment! It  would  be  very  awkward  to  call  out 
the  fire  department,  wouldn  't  it  ?  They  'd  prob- 
ably come  rushing  around  here  and  drown  both 
of  us  before  they  found  out  we-'d  made  a  mis- 
take and* really  wanted  the  police." 

"All  you  have  to  do  is  to  say  to  Central:  'I 
want  a  policeman.'  " 

"Right  you  are.  That's  what  the  telephone 
book  says.  Still  I  believe  Spring  3100—" 

"The  simplest  way  to  get  the  police,"  broke 
in  the  burglar,  not  without  hope,  "is  to  fire 
five  shots  out  of  a  window  as  rapidly  as  possible. 
They  always  come  for  that." 

"I  see  what  you  are  after.  You  want  them 
to  come  here  and  arrest  me  for  violating  the 
Sullivan  Law.  Don't  you  know  it's  against  the 


10  YOLLOP 

law  in  New  York  to  have  a  revolver  on  your 
premises  or  person?  And  what's  more,  you 
would  testify  against  me,  confound  you.  Also 
probably  have  me  up  for  assault  and  battery. 
No,  Mr.  Smilk,  your  suggestion  is  not  a  good 
one.  We  will  stick  to  the  telephone.  Now,  if 
you  will  be  kind  enough  to  fold  your  arms 
tightly  across  your  breast, — that's  the  idea, — 
and  arise  slowly  to  your  feet,  I  will  instruct 
you —  Yes,  I  know  it  is  harder  to  get  up  with- 
out the  aid  of  the  hands  than  it  was  to  go  down, 
but  I  think  you  can  manage  it.  Try  again,  if 
you  please."  Then,  as  Mr.  Smilk  sank  sullenly 
back  against  the  wall,  apparently  resolved  not 
to  budge:  "I'm  going  to  count  three,  Cassius. 
If  you  are  not  on  your  feet  at  the  end  of  the 
count,  I  shall  be  obliged  to  do  the  telephoning 
myself. ' ' 

"That  suits  me,"  said  Cassius  grimly. 

"Do  you  object  to  the  smell  of  powder?" 

"Huh?" 

"I  don't  like  it  myself,  but  I  should,  of  course, 
open  the  windows  immediately  and  air  the 
room  out — " 

"I'll  get  up,"  said  Cassius,  and  did  so, 
clumsily  but  promptly.  "Say,  I — I  believe 
you  would  shoot.  You're  just  the  kind  of  boob 
that  would  do  a  thing  like  that." 

"I  dare  say  I  should  miss  you  if  I  were  to 


YOLLOP  11 

fire  all  five  bullets, — but  that 's  neither  here  nor 
there.  You're  on  your  feet,  so — by  the  way, 
are  you  sure  this  thing  is  loaded!" 

"It  wouldn't  make  any  difference  if  it  wasn't. 
It  would  go  off  just  the  same.  They  always  do 
when  some  darn  fool  idiot  is  pointin'  them  at 
people. ' ' 

"Don't  be  crotchetty,  Cassius,"  reproached 
Mr.  Yollop.  "Now,  if  you  will  just  sidle 
around  to  the  left  you  will  come  in  due  time  to 
the  telephone  over  there  on  that  desk.  I  shall 
not  be  far  behind  you.  Sit  down.  Now  un- 
fold your  arms  and  lean  both  elbows  on  the 
desk.  That's  the  idea.  You  might  keep  your 
right  hand  exposed, — sort  of  perpendicular 
from  the  elbow  up.  Take  the  receiver  off  the 
hook  and — " 
' '  Oh,  I  know  how  to  use  a  telephone  all  right. ' ' 

"Now,  the  main  thing  is  to  get  Central," 
said  Mr.  Yollop  imperturbably.  "(Sometimes 
it  is  very  difficult  to  wake  them  after  two 
o'clock  A.M.  Just  jiggle  it  if  she  doesn't  re- 
spond at  once.  Seems  that  jiggling  wakes 
them  when  nothing  else  will. ' ' 

Mr.  Yollop,  very  tall  and  spare  in  his  pa- 
jamas, stood  behind  the  burly  Mr.  Smilk,  the 
dangling  disc  almost  touching  the  latter 's 
hunched  up  shoulders. 

'  *  This  is  a  devil  of  a  note, ' '  quoth  Mr.  Smilk, 


12  YOLLOP 

taking  down  the  receiver.  "Makin'  a  guy 
telephone  to  the  police  to  come  and  arrest  him." 

"I  wish  I  had  thought  to  close  that  window 
while  you  were  hors  de  combat,"  complained 
Mr.  Yollop  shivering.  "I'll  probably  catch  my 
death  of  cold  standing  around  here  with  almost 
nothing  on.  That  wind  comes  straight  from 
the  North  Pole.  Doesn't  she  answer!" 

"No." 

"Jiggle  it." 

"I  did  jiggle  it." 

"What!" 

"I  said  I  jiggled  it." 

"Well,  jiggle  it  again." 

"Rottenest  telephone  service  in  the  world," 
growled  Mr.  Smilk.  "When  you  think  what 
we  have  to  pay  for  telephones  these  days,  you'd 
think— hello!  Hell— lo!" 

"Got  her!" 

"I  thought  I  had  for  a  second,  but  I  guess 
it  was  somebody  yawning." 

"Awning!" 

"Say,  if  you'll  hold  that  thing  around  so's 
I  can  talk  at  it,  you'll  hear  what  I'm  saying. 
How  do  you  expect  me  to — hello !  Central!  Cen- 
tral! Hello!  Where  the  hell  have  you  been 
all — hello!  Well,  can  you  beat  it!  I  had  nor 
and  she  got  away." 

"No  use  trying  to  get  her  now,"  said  Mr. 


YOLLOP  13 

Yollop,  resignedly.  "Hang  up  for  a  few  min- 
utes. It  makes  'em  stubborn  when  you  swear 
at  'em.  Like  mules.  I've  just  thought  of 
something  else  you  can  do  for  me  while  we're 
waiting  for  her  to  make  up  her  mind  to  forgive 
you.  Come  along  over  here  and  close  this  win- 
dow you  left  open." 

Mr.  Smilk  in  closing  the  window,  looked 
searchingly  up  and  down  the  fire  escape,  peered 
intently  into  the  street  below,  sighed  profoundly 
and  muttered  something  that  Mr.  Yollop  did 
not  hear. 

"I've  got  a  fur  coat  hanging  in  that  closet 
over  there,  Cassius.  We  will  get  it  out." 

Carefully  following  Mr.  Yollop 's  directions, 
the  obliging  rascal  produced  the  coat  and  laid 
it  upon  the  table  in  the  center  of  the  room. 

"Turn  your  back,"  commanded  the  owner 
of  the  coat,  "and  hold  up  your  hands."  Then, 
after  he  had  slipped  into  the  coat:  "Now  if 
I  only  had  my  slippers — but  never  mind.  We 
won't  bother  about  'em.  They're  in  my  bed 
room,  and  probably  lost  under  the  bed.  They 
always  are,  even  when  I  take  'em  off  out  in  the 
middle  of  the  room.  Ah!  Nothing  like  a  fur 
coat,  Cassius.  Do  you  know  what  cockles  are  ? ' ' 

"No,  I  don't."  ' 

"Well,  never  mind.  Now,  let's  try  Central 
again.  Please  remember  that  no  matter  how 


14  YOLLOP 

distant  she  is,  she  still  expects  yon  to  look  upon 
her  as  a  lady.  No  lady  likes  to  be  sworn  at  at 
two  o'clock  in  the  morning.  Speak  gently  to 
her.  Call  her  Madamoiselle.  That  always 
gets  them.  Makes  'em  think  if  they  keep  their 
ears  open  they'll  hear  something  spicy." 

"They  general  fall  for  dearie,"  said  Mr. 
Smilk,  taking  down  the  receiver. 

"Be  good  enough  to  remember  that  you  are 
calling  from  my  apartment,"  said  Mr.  Yollop 
severely.  "Jiggle  it." 

Mr.  Smilk  jiggled  it.  "I  guess  she's  still 
mad." 

"Jiggle  it  slowly,  tenderly,  caressingly. 
Sort  of  seductively.  Don't  be  so  savage  about 
it." 

"Hello!  Central?  What  number  do  I  have 
to  call  to  get  Spring  3100?  ...  I'm  not  trying 
to  be  fresh:  .  .  .  Yes,  that's  what  I  want  .  .  . 
I  know  the  book  says  to  tell  you  'I  want  to  call 
a  policeman'  but — .  .  .  Yes,  there's  a  burglar 
in  my  apartment  and  I  want  you  to —  What's 
that?  ...  I  don't  want  to  go  to  bed.  .  .  .  Say, 
now  you're  gettin'  fresh.  You  give  me 
police — " 

"Tell  her  I've  got  you  surrounded,"  whis- 
pered Mr.  Yollop. 

"Hello!    Hell— lo!    Central!" 

"Jiggle  it." 


YOLLOP  15 

"Ah,  Mademoiselle!    Pardon  my — " 

Voice  at  the  other  end  of  the  wire:  "Ring 
of£!  YouVe  got  wrong  number.  This  is 
police  headquarters. ' '  Audible  sound  of  dis- 
tant receiver  being  slapped  upon  its  hook. 

* '  Gee  whiz !  Now,  we  're  up  against  it,  Mis- 
ter. We'll  be  all  night  gettin'  Central  again." 

"Be  patient,  Cassius.  Start  all  over  again. 
Ask  for  the  nmrgue  this  time.  That  will  make 
her  realize  the  grave  danger  you  are  in." 

"Say,  I  wish  you'd  put  that  gun  in  your 
pocket.  It  makes  the  goose  flesh  creep  out  all 
over  me.  I'm  not  going  to  try  to  get  away. 
Give  you  my  word  of  honor  I  ain  't.  You  seem 
to.  have  some  sort  of  idea  that  I  don 't  want  to 
be  arrested." 

"I  confess  I  had  some  such  idea,  Cassius." 

"Well,  I  don't  mind  it  a  bit.  Fact  is,  I've 
been  doin'  my  best  to  get  nabbed  for  the  last 
three  months." 

"You  have?" 

"Sure.  The  trouble  is  with  the  police. 
They  somehow  seem  to  overlook  me,  no  matter 
how  open  I  am  about  it.  I  suppose  I've  com- 
mitted twenty  burglaries  in  the  past  three 
months  and  I'll  be  cussed  if  I  can  make  'em 
understand.  Take  to-night,  for  instance.  I 
dumb  up  that  fire  escape, — this  is  the  third 
floor,  ain't  it? — I  dumb  up  here  with  a  big 


16  YOLLOP 

electric  street  light  shinin'  square  on  my  back, 
• — why,  darn  the  luck,  I  had  to  turn  my  back  on 
it  'cause  the  light  hurt  my  eyes, — and  there 
were  two  cops  standin'  right  down  below  here 
talkin'  about  the  crime  wave  bein'  all  bunk, 
both  of  'em  arguin'  that  the  best  proof  that 
there  ain't  no  crime  wave  is  the  fact  that  the 
jails  are  only  half  full,  showin'  that  the  city  is 
gettin'  more  and  more  honest  all  the  time.  I 
could  hear  'em  plain  as  anything.  They  were 
talkin'  loud,  so  as  to  make  everybody  in  this 
buildin'  rest  easy,  I  guess.  I  stopped  at  the 
second  floor  and  monkeyed  with  the  window, 
hopin'  to  attract  their  attention.  Didn't  work. 
So  I  had  to  climb  up  another  flight.  This  win- 
dow of  yours  was  up  about  six  inches,  so  there 
wasn't  anything  for  me  to  do  but  to  raise  it  and 
come  in.  What  I  had  in  mind  was  to  stick  my 
head  out  after  a  minute  or  two  and  yell 
'thieves',  'police',  and  so  on.  Then  before  I 
knowed  what  was  happenin',  you  walks  in, 
switches  on  the  light,  and  comes  straight  over 
and  biffs  me  in  the  jaw.  Does  that  look  as  if 
I  was  tryin'  to  avoid  arrest?" 

"That's  a  very  pretty  story,  Cassius,  and  no 
doubt  will  make  a  tremendous  hit  with  the  jury, 
but  what  were  you  doing  with  a  loaded  revol- 
ver in  your  hand,  and  why  were  you  so  full  of 


YOLLOP  17 

vituperation, — I  mean,  what  made  you  swear 
so  when  I — " 

"You  let  somebody  hit  you  a  wallop  on  the 
jaw  and  bang  your  head  against  the  wall  and 
dance  on  your  ribs,  and  you  '11  cuss  worse  than 
I  did." 

'  *  But, — about  the  revolver  ? ' ' 

"Well,  to  be  honest  with  you,  I  probably 
would  have  shot  you  if  I  hadn't  been  so  low  in 
my  mind.  I  won't  deny  that.  It's  a  sort  of 
principle  with  us,  you  see.  No  self-respecting 
burglar  wants  to  be  captured  by  the  party  he 's 
tryin'  to  rob.  Its  so  damn'  mortifyin'.  Be- 
sides, if  that  sort  of  thing  happens  to  you,  the 
police  lose  all  kinds  of  respect  for  you  and  try 
to  use  you  as  a  stool-pigeon,  if  you  know  what 
that  means." 

"This  is  most  interesting,  I  must  say.  I 
should  like  to  hear  more  about  it,  Mr.  Smilk. 
I  dare  say  we  can  have  quite  a  long  and  edify- 
ing chat  while  we  are  waiting  for  the  police  to 
respond  to  our  call  for  help.  In  the  meantime, 
you  might  see  if  you  can  get  them  now.  Spring, 
three  one  hundred." 

"As  I  was  sayin'  awhile  ago,  would  you  mind 
puttin'  that  gun  in  your  pocket!" 

"While  you've  been  chinning,  Cassius,  I  have 
been  making  a  most  thrilling  and  amazing  ex- 


18  YOLLOP 

periment.    Do  you  call  this  thing  under  here 
a  trigger?" 

"Yes.    Don't  monkey  with  it,  you — you — " 
"I've   been   pressing   it, — very   gently   and 
cautiously,  of  course, —  to  see  just  how  near  I 
can  come  to  making  it  go  off  without  actu- 
ally—" 

"For  God's  sake!  Cut  that— Hey,  Central! 
Give  me  police  headquarters  again.  .  .  .  Lively, 
please.  .  .  .  Yes,  it's  life  or  death.  .  .  .  Come 
on,  Mademoiselle, — please ! ' ' 
' '  That 's  the  way, ' '  complimented  Mr.  Yollop. 
"By  gosh,  nobody  ever  wanted  the  police 
more  than  I  do  at  this  minute,"  gulped  Mr. 
Smilk.  He  was  perspiring  freely.  "Hello! 
Police  headquarters?  .  .  .  Hustle  someone 
to — to —  (over  his  shoulder  to  Mr.  Yollop,  in  a 
whisper,) — quick!  What's  the  number  of 
this,—" 

"418  Sagamore  Terrace." 
Into  the  transmitter:     "To  418   Sagamore 
Terrace,  third  floor  front.    Burglar.    Hurry 
up!" 

Telephone:    "What's  yer  name?" 
Smilk,  to  Yollop:    "What  is  my  name?" 
Mr.  Yollop:     "Crittenden  Yollop." 
Smilk,  to  telephone:    "Crittelyum  Yop." 
Telephone,  languidly :    *  *  Spell  it. ' ' 


YOLLOP  19 

Smilk:    "Aw,  go  to— "~ 

Mr.  Yollop:     "  After  me  now, — Y-o-l-l-o-p. " 

Telephone:     " First  name.'* 

Smilk,  prompted.     * '  C-r-i-t-t-e-n-d-e-n. " 

Telephone,  after  interval:    "What  floor?" 

Smilk:     "Third." 

Telephone:  "Are  you  sure  it's  a  burglar, 
or  is  it  just  a  noise  somewhere! 

Smilk:  "It's  a  burglar.  He's  got  me  cov- 
ered. ' ' 

Telephone :     "What's  that?" 

Smilk:  "I  say,  I've  got  him  covered.  Hurry 
up  or  he'll  blow  my  head  off — " 

Telephone:  "Say,  what  is  this?  Get  back 
to  bed,  you.  You're  drunk." 

Smilk:  "I'm  as  sober  as  you  are.  Can't 
you  get  me  straight?  I  tell  you  I  beat  his  head 
off.  He's  down  and  out, — but — " 

Telephone:  "All  right.  We'll  have  some- 
one there  in  a  few  minutes.  Did  you  say 
Yullup?" 

Smilk:    "No.    I  said  hurry  up." 


CHAPTER  TWO 

"nriHE  thing  that's  troubling  me  now,"  said 
JL  Mr.  Yollop,  as  Smilk  hung  up  the  re- 
ceiver and  twisted  his  head  slightly  to  peek 
out  of  the  corner  of  his  eye,  "is  how  to  get 
hold  of  my  slippers.  YouVe  no  idea  how  cold 
this  floor  is." 

"If  it's  half  as  cold  as  the  sweat  I'm — " 

"We're  likely  to  have  a  long  wait,"  went  on 
the  other,  frowning.  "It  will  probably  take 
the  police  a  couple  of  hours  to  find  this  build- 
ing, with  absolutely  no  clue  except  the  number 
and  the  name  of  the  street." 

"I'll  tell  you  what  you  might  do,  Mr.  Scollop, 
seein'  as  you  won't  trust  me  to  go  in  and  find 
your  slippers  for  you.  Why  don't  you  sit  on 
your  feet  ?  Take  that  big  arm  chair  over  there 
and—" 

"Splendid!  By  jove,  Cassius,  you  are  an 
uncommonly  clever  chap.  I '11  do  it.  And  then, 
when  the  police  arrive,  we'll  have  something 
for  them  to  do.  We  '11  let  them  see  if  they  can 
find  my  slippers.  That  ought  to  be  really 
quite  interesting." 

"There's  something  about  you,"  said  Mr. 
20 


YOLLOP  21 

Smilk,  not  without  a  touch  of  admiration  in  his 
voice,  "that  I  simply  can't  help  liking." 

" That's  what  the  wolf  said  to  Little  Eed 
Eiding-Hood,  if  I  remember  correctly.  How- 
ever, I  thank  you,  Cassius.  In  spite  of  the 
thump  I  gave  you  and  the  disgusting  way  in 
which  I  treated  you,  a  visitor  in  my  own  house, 
you  express  a  liking  for  me.  It  is  most  grati- 
fying. Still,  for  the  time  being,  I  believe  we 
can  be  much  better  friends  if  I  keep  this  pis- 
tol pointed  at  you.  Now  we  '11  do  a  little  man- 
euvering. You  may  remain  seated  where  you 
are.  However,  I  must  ask  you  to  pull  out  the 
two  lower  drawers  in  the  desk, — one  on  either 
side  of  where  your  knees  go.  You  will  find 
them  quite  empty  and  fairly  commodious. 
Now,  put  your  right  foot  in  the  drawer  on  this 
side  and  your  left  foot  in  the  other  one — yes, 
I  know  it's  quite  a  stretch,  but  I  dare  say  you 
can  manage  it.  Sort  of  recalls  the  old  days 
when  evil-doers  were  put  in  the  stocks,  doesn't 
it?  They  seem  to  be  quite  a  snug  fit,  don't  they? 
If  it  is  as  difficult  for  you  to  extricate  your 
feet  from  those  drawers  as  it  was  to  insert 
them,  I  fancy  I'm  pretty  safe  from  a  sudden 
and  impulsive  dash  in  my  direction.  Bather 
bright  idea  of  mine,  eh ! " 

"I'm   beginnin'   to    change   my   opinion   of 
you, ' '  announced  Mr.  Smilk. 


22  YOLLOP 

Mr.  Yollop  pushed  a  big  unholstered  library 
chair  up  to  the  opposite  side  of  the  desk  and, 
after  several  awkward  attempts,  succeeded  in 
sitting  down,  tailor  fashion,  with  his  feet  neatly 
tucked  away  beneath  him. 

"I  wasn't  quite  sure  I  could  do  it,"  said  he, 
rather  proudly.  "I  suppose  my  feet  will  go 
to  sleep  in  a  very  short  time,  but  I  am  assum- 
ing, Cassius,  that  you  are  too  much  of  a  gentle- 
man to  attack  a  man  whose  feet  are  asleep." 

"I  wouldn't  even  attack  you  if  they  were 
snoring,"  said  Cassius,  grinning  in  spite  of 
himself.  "Say,  this  certainly  beats  anything 
I've  ever  come  up  against.  If  one  of  my  pals 
was  to  happen  to  look  in  here  right  now  and 
see  me  with  my  feet  in  these  drawers  and  you 
squattin'  on  yours, — well,  I  can't  help  laughin' 
myself,  and  God  knows  I  hate  to." 

"You  were  saying  a  little  while  ago,"  said 
Mr.  Yollop,  shifting  his  position  slightly,  "that 
you  rather  fancy  the  idea  of  being  arrested. 
Isn't  that  a  little  quixotic,  Mr.  Smilk?" 

"Huh!" 

"I  mean  to  say,  do  you  expect  me  to  believe 
you  when  you  say  you  relish  being  arrested?" 

"I  don't  care  a  whoojf  whether  you  believe 
it  or  not.  It's  true." 

"Have  you  no  fear  of  the  law!" 

"Bless  your  heart,  sir,  I  don't  know  how 


YOLLOP  23 

I'd  keep  body  and  soul  together  if  it  wasn't 
for  the  law.  If  people  would  only  let  the  law 
alone,  I'd  be  one  of  the  happiest  guys  on  earth. 
But,  damn  'em,  they  won't  let  it  alone.  First, 
they  put  their  heads  together  and  frame  up  this 
blasted  parole  game  on  us.  Just  about  the 
time  we  begin  to  think  we're  comfortably  set- 
tled up  the  river,  'long  comes  some  doggone 
home-wrecker  and  gets  us  out  on  parole.  Then 
we  got  to  go  to  work  and  begin  all  over  again. 
Sometimes,  the  way  things  are  nowadays,  it 
takes  months  to  get  back  into  the  pen  again. 
We  got  to  live,  ain  't  we  I  We  got  to  eat,  ain  't 
we?  Well,  there  you  are.  Why  can't  they 
leave  us  alone  instead  of  drivin'  us  out  into  a 
cold,  unfeelin'  world  where  we  got  to  either 
steal  or  starve  to  death?  There  wouldn't  be 
one  tenth  as  much  stealin'  and  murderin'  as 
there  is  if  they  didn't  force  us  into  it.  Why, 
doggone  it,  I've  seen  some  of  the  most  cruel 
and  pitiful  sights  you  ever  heard  of  up  there 
at  Sing  Sing.  Fellers  leadin'  a  perfectly  hon- 
est life  suddenly  chucked  out  into  a  world  full 
of  vice  and  iniquity  and  forced — absolutely 
forced, — into  a  life  of  crime.  There  they  were, 
livin'  a  quiet,  peaceful  life,  harmin '  nobody,  and 
bing!  they  wake  up  some  mornin'  and  find 
themselves  homeless.  Do  you  realize  what 
that  means,  Mr.  Strumpet?  It  means — " 


24  YOLLOP 

* '  Yollop,  if  you  please. ' ' 

"It  means  they  got  to  go  out  and  slug  some 
innocent  citizen,  some  poor  guy  that  had  noth- 
ing whatever  to  do  with  drivin'  them  out,  and 
then  if  they  happen  to  be  caught  they  got  to  go 
through  with  all  the  uncertainty  of  a  trial  by 
jury,  never  knowin'  but  what  some  pin-headed 
juror  will  stick  out  for  acquittal  and  make  it 
necessary  to  go  through  with  it  all  over  again. 
And  more  than  that,  they  got  to  listen  to  the 
testimony  of  a  lot  of  policemen,  and  their  own 
derned  fool  lawyers,  tryin'  to  deprive  them  of 
their  bread  and  butter,  and  the  judge 's  instruc- 
tions that  nobody  pays  any  attention  to  except 
the  shorthand  reporter, — and  them  just  settin' 
there  sort  of  helpless  and  not  even  able  to  say  a 
word  in  their  own  behalf  because  the  law  says 
they're  innocent  till  they're  proved  guilty, — 
why,  I  tell  you,  Mr.  Dewlap,  it 's  heart-breakin ' . 
And  all  because  some  weak-minded  smart  aleck 
gets  them  paroled.  As  I  was  sayin' ,  the  law's 
all  right  if  it  wasn't  for  the  people  that  abuse 
it." 

"This  is  most  interesting,"  said  Mr.  Yollop. 
"I've  never  quite  understood  why  ninety  per 
cent  of  the  paroled  convicts  go  back  to  the  peni- 
tentiary so  soon  after  they've  been  liberated." 

"Of  course,"  explained  Mr.  Smilk,  "there 
are  a  few  that  don't  get  back.  That's  because, 


YOLLOP  25 

in  their  anxiety  to  make  good,  they  get 
killed  by  some  inexperienced  policeman  who 
catches  'em  comin'  out  of  somebody's  window 
or—" 

4 'By  the  way,  Cassius,  let  me  interrupt  you. 
Will  you  have  a  cigar  ?  Nice,  pleasant  way  to 
pass  an  hour  or  two — beg  pardon?" 

"I  was  only  sayin',  if  you  don't  mind  I'll 
take  one  of  these  cigarettes.  Cigars  are  a 
little  too  heavy  for  me. ' ' 

"I  have  some  very  light  grade  domestic — " 

* '  I  don 't  mean  in  quality.  I  mean  in  weight. 
What's  the  sense  of  wastin'  a  lot  of  strength 
holding  a  cigar  in  your  mouth  when  it  requires 
no  effort  at  all  to  smoke  a  cigarette?  Why,  I 
got  it  all  figured  out  scientifically.  With  the 
same  amount  of  energy  you  expend  in  smokin' 
one  cigar  you  could  smoke  between  thirty  and 
forty  cigarettes,  and  being  sort  of  gradual,  you 
wouldn't  begin  to  feel  half  as  fatigued  as  if 
you — " 

"Did  I  understand  you  to  say  'scientifically', 
or  was  it  satirically?" 

1 1 1  'm  tryin '  to  use  common,  every-day  words, 
Mr.  Shallop,"  said  Mr.  Smilk,  with  dignity, 
' 'and  I  wish  you'd  do  the  same." 

"Ahem!  Well,  light  up,  Cassius.  I  think 
I  '11  smoke  a  cigar.  When  you  get  through  with 
the  matches,  push  'em  over  this  way,  will  you? 


26  YOLLOP 

Help  yourself  to  those  chocolate  creams. 
There's  a  pound  box  of  them  at  your  elbow, 
Oassius.  I  eat  a  great  many.  They're  sup- 
posed to  be  fattening.  Help  yourself." 
After  lighting  his  cigar  Mr.  Yollop  inquired: 
"By  the  way,  since  you  speak  so  feelingly  I 
gather  that  you  are  a  paroled  convict." 

"That's  what  I  am.  And  the  worst  of  it  is, 
it  ain't  my  first  offense.  I  mean  it  ain't  the 
first  time  I've  been  paroled.  To  begin  with, 
when  I  was  somewhat  younger  than  I  am  now, 
I  was  twice  turned  loose  by  judges  on  what 
they  call  'suspended  sentences.'  Then  I  was 
sent  up  for  two  years  for  stealin '  something  or 
other, — I  forgot  just  what  it  was.  I  served  my 
time  and  a  little  later  on  went  up  again  for 
three  years  for  holdin'  up  a  man  over  in  Brook- 
lyn. "Well,  I  got  paroled  out  inside  of  two 
years,  and  for  nearly  six  months  I  had  to  report 
to  the  police  ever'  so  often.  Every  time  I  re- 
ported I  had  my  pockets  full  of  loot  I'd  snitched 
durin'  the  month,  stuff  the  bulls  were  lookin' 
for  in  every  pawn-shop  in  town,  but  to  save  my 
soul  I  couldn't  somehow  manage  to  get  myself 
caught  with  the  goods  on  me.  Say,  I'd  give 
two  years  off  of  my  next  sentence  if  I  could 
cross  my  legs  for  five  or  ten  minutes.  This  is 
gettin'  worse  and  worse  all  the — " 

"You  might  try  putting  your  left  foot  in  the 


YOLLOP  27 

right  hand  drawer  and  your  right  foot  in  the 
other  one,"  suggested  Mr.  Yollop. 

Mr.  Smilk  stared.  f '  I  Ve  seen  a  lot  of  kidder  s 
in  my  time,  but  you  certainly  got  'em  all 
skinned  to  death/'  said  he. 

Mr.  Yollop  puffed  reflectively'  for  awhile, 
pondering  the  situation.  "Well,  suppose  you 
remove  one  foot  at  a  time,  Cassius.  As  soon 
it  is  fairly  well  rested,  put  it  back  again  and 
then  take  the  other  one  out  for  a  spell, — and  so 
on.  Half  ia  loaf  is  better  than  no  loaf  at  all. ' ' 

Smilk  withdrew  his  left  foot  from  its  drawer 
and  sighed  gratefully. 

"As  I  was  sayin',"  he  resumed,  "if  we 
could  'only  put  some  kind  of  a  curb  on  these 
here  tender-hearted  boobs — and  boobesses — 
the  world  would  be  a  much  better  place  to  live 
in.  The  way  it  is  now,  nine  tenths  of  the  fellers 
up  in  Sing  Sing  never  know  when  they'll  have 
to  pack  up  and  leave,  and  it's  n  constant  strain 
on  the  nerves,  I  tell  you.  There  seems  to  be  a 
well-organized  movement  to  interfere  with  the 
personal  liberty  of  criminals,  Mr.  Poppup. 
These  here  sentimental  reformers  take  it  upon 
themselves  to  say  whether  a  feller  shall  stay  in 
prison  or  not.  First,  they  •come  up  there  and 
pick  out  some  poor  helpless  feller  and  say 
'it's  a  crime  to  keep  a  good-lookin ',  intelligent 
boy  like  you  in  prison,  so  we're  going  to  get 


28  YOLLOP 

you  out  on  parole  and  make  an  honest,  upright 
citizen  of  you.  We're  going  to  get  you  a  nice 
job', — and  so  on  and  so  forth.  Well,  before 
he  knows  it,  he's  out  and  has  to  put  up  a  bluff 
of  workin'  for  a  livin' .  Course,  he  just  has  to 
go  to  stealin'  again.  It  makes  him  sore  when 
he  thinks  of  the  good,  honest  life  he  was  leadin' 
up  there  in  the  pen,  with  nothin'  to  worry  about, 
satisfactory  hours,  plenty  to  eat,  and  practically 
divorced  from  his  wife  without  havin'  to  go 
through  the  mill.  If  my  calculations  are  cor- 
rect, more  than  fifty  per  cent  of  the  crime  that's 
bein'  committed  these  days  is  the  work  of  pa- 
roled convicts  who  depended  on  the  law  to  pro- 
tect and  support  them  for  a  given  period  of 
time.  And  does  the  law  protect  them?  It  does 
not.  It  allows  a  lot  of  pinheads  to  interfere 
with  it,  and  what's  the  answer?  A  lot  of  poor 
devils  are  forced  to  go  out  and  risk  their  lives 
tryin'  to — " 

"Just  a  moment,  please,"  interrupted  Mr. 
Yollop.  "You  are  talking  a  trifle  too  fast, 
Cassius.  Moderate  your  speed  a  little.  Be- 
fore we  go  any  further,  I  would  like  to  be  set 
straight  on  one  point.  Do  you  mean  to  tell 
me  that  you  actually  prefer  being  in  prison?" 

"Well,  now,  that's  a  difficult  question  to  an- 
swer," mused  Mr.  Smilk.  "Sometimes  I  do 
and  sometimes  I  don't.  It's  sort  of  like  being 


YOLLOP  29 

married,  I  suppose.  Sometimes  you're  glad 
you're  married  and  sometimes  you  wish  to  God 
you  wasn't.  Course,  I've  only  been  married 
three  'or  four  times,  and  I've  been  in  the  pen 
six  times,  one  place  or  another,  so  I  guess  I'm 
not  what  you'd  call  an  unbiased  witness.  I 
seem  to  have  a  leanin '  toward  jail, — about  three 
to  one  in  favor  of  jail,  you  might  say,  with  the 
odds  likely  to  be  increased  pretty  shortly  if  all 
goes  well.  Do  you  mind  if  I  change  drawers?" 

"Eh!    Oh,  I  see.    Go  ahead." 

Mr.  Smilk  put  his  right  foot  back  into  its 
drawer  and  withdrew  the  left. 

"Gets  you  right  across  this  tendon  on  the 
back  of  your  ankle,"  he  said.  "Now,  you  take 
the  daily  life  of  the  average  laboring  man,"  he 
went  on  earnestly.  "What  does  he  get  out  of 
it?  Nothin'  but  expenses.  The  only  thing 
that  don't  cost  him  something  is  work.  And 
all  the  time  he's  at  work  his  expenses  are  goin' 
on  just  the  same,  pilin'  up  durin'  his  absence 
Jfrom  home.  Kent,  food,  fuel,  light,  doctor, 
liquor,  clothes,  shoes, — everything  pilin'  up  on 
him  while  he's  workin'  for  absolutely  nothin' 
between  pay  days.  The  only  time  he  gets  any- 
thing for  his  work  is  on  pay  day.  The  rest  of 
the  time  he's  workin'  for  nothin' ,  week  in  and 
week  out.  Say  he  works  forty-four  hours  a 
week.  When  does  he  get  his  pay?  While  he's 


30  YOLLOP 

workin*  ?  Not  much.  He  has  to  work  over 
time  anywhere  from  fifteen  minutes  to  half  an 
hour — on  his  own  time,  mind  you — standin' 
in  line  to  get  his  pay  envelope.  And  then  when 
he  gets  it,  what  does  he  have  to  do?  He  has 
to  go  home  and  wonder  how  the  hell  he's  goin' 
to  get  through  the  next  week  with  nothin'  but 
carfare  to  go  on  after  his  wife  has  told  him  to 
come  across.  Now  you  take  a  convict.  He 
hasn't  an  expense  in  the  world.  Free  grub, 
free  bed,  free  doctor,  free  clothes, — he  could 
have  free  liquor  if  the  keepers  would  let  his 
friends  bring  it  in, — and  his  hours  ain't  any 
longer  than  any  union  man's  hours.  He  don't 
have  to  pay  dues  to  any  labor  union,  he  don't 
have  to  worry  about  strikes  or  strike  benefits, 
he  don't  give  a  whoop  what  Gompers  or  any- 
body else  says  about  Gary,  and  he  don 't  care  a 
darn  whether  the  working  man  gets  his  beer  or 
whether  the  revenue  officers  get  it.  He — " 

"Wait  a  second,  please.  Just  as  a  matter  of 
curiosity,  Cassius,  I'd  like  to  know  what  your 
views  are  on  prohibition." 

"Are  you  thinkin'  of  askin'  me  if  I'll  have 
something  to  drink?"  inquired  Mr.  Smilk 
craftily. 

"What  has  that  to  do  with  it?" 

"A  lot,"  said  Mr.  Smilk,  with  decision. 

"Do  you  approve  of  prohibition?" 


YOLLOP  31 

"I  do,"  said  the  rogue.    "In  moderation." 

"Well,  as  soon  as  the  police  arrive  I'll  open 
a  bottle  of  Scotch.  In  the  meantime  go  ahead 
with  your  very  illuminating  dissertation.  I 
am  beginning  to  understand  why  crime  is  so 
attractive,  so  alluring.  I  am  almost  able  to 
see  why  you  fellows  like  to  go  to  the  peniten- 
tiary." 

"If  you  could  only  get  shut  up  for  a  couple 
of  years,  Mr.  Wollop,  you'd  appreciate  just 
what  has  been  done  in  the  last  few  years  to 
make  us  fellers  like  it.  You  wouldn't  believe 
how  much  the  reformers  have  done  to  induce 
us  to  come  back  as  soon  as  possible.  They 
give  us  all  kinds  of  entertainment,  free  of 
charge.  Three  times  a  week  we  have  some  sort 
of  a  show,  generally  a  band  concert,  a  movin' 
picture  show  and  a  vaudeville  show.  Then, 
once  a  month  they  bring  up  some  crackin'  good 
show  right  out  of  a  Broadway  theater  to  make 
us  forget  that  it's  Sunday  and  we'll  have  to  go 
to  work  the  next  morning.  Scenery  and  cos- 
tumes and  everything  and — and — "  Here  Mr. 
•Smilk  showed  signs  of  blubbering,  a  weakness 
that  suddenly  gave  way  to  the  most  energetic 
indignation.  "Why,  doggone  it,  every  time  I 
think  of  what  that  woman  done  to  me,  I  could 
bite  a  nail  in  two.  If  it  hadn't  been  for — " 

"Woman?    What  woman?" 


32  YOLLOP 

"The  woman  that  got  me  paroled  out.  She 
got  I  don't  know  how  many  people  to  sign  a 
petition,  sayin'  I  was  a  fine  feller  and  all  that 
kind  o'  bunk,  and  all  I  needed  was  a  chance  to 
show  the  world  how  honest  I  am  and — why,  of 
course,  I  was  honest.  How  could  I  help  bein' 
honest  up  there?  What's  eatin'  the  darn 
fools  ?  The  only  thing  you  can  steal  up  there  is 
a  nap,  and  you  got  to  be  mighty  slick  if  you 
want  to  do  that,  they  watch  you  so  close.  But 
do  you  know  what's  going  on  in  this  country 
right  now,  Mr.  Popple?  There's  a  regular  or- 
ganized band  of  law-breakers  operating  from 
one  end  of  the  nation  to  the  other.  We're 
tryin'  to  bust  it  up,  but  it's  a  tough  job.  The 
best  way  to  reform  a  reformer  is  to  rob  him. 
The  minute  he  (finds  out  he's  been  robbed  he 
turns  over  a  new  leaf  and  begins  to  beller  like 
a  bull  about  how  rotten  the  police  are.  Ninety 
nine  times  out  of  a  hundred  he  quits  his  cussed 
interferin'  with  the  law  and  becomes  a  decent, 
law-observin '  citizen.  Our  scheme  is  to  get 
busy  as  soon  as  we've  been  turned  loose  and 
while  our  so-called  benefactors  are  still  rejoicin' 
over  havin*  snatched  a  brand  from  the  burnin', 
we  up  and  show  'em  the  error  of  their  ways. 
First  offenders  get  off  fairly  easy.  We  simply 
sneak  in  and  take  their  silver  and  some  loose 
jewelry.  The  more  hardened  they  are,  the 


YOLLOP  33 

worse  we  treat  'em.  Eing  leaders  some  times 
get  beat  up  so  badly  it's  impossible  to  identify 
'em  at  the  morgue.  But  in  time  we'll  smash 
the  gang,  and  then  if  a  feller  goes  up  for  ten, 
twenty  or  even  thirty  years  he'll  know  there's 
no  underhanded  work  goin'  on  and  he  can  settle 
down  to  an  honest  life.  The  only  way  to  stop 
crime  in  this  country,  Mr.  Yollop,  is  to — " 

"Thank  you." 

" — is  to  make  everybody  respect  the  law. 
And  with  conditions  so  pleasant  and  so  happy 
in  the  prison  I  want  to  tell  you  there's  nobody 
in  the  country  that  respects  and  admires  the 
law  more  than  we  do, — 'specially  us  fellers  that 
remember  what  the  penitentiaries  used  to  be 
like  a  few  years  ago  when  conditions  were  so 
tough  that  most  of  us  managed  to  earn  an  hon- 
est livin'  outside  sooner  than  run  the  risk  of 
gettin'  sent  up."  He  sighed  deeply.  Then 
with  a  trace  of  real  solicitude  in  his  manner: 
"Are  your  feet  warm  yet?" 

"Warm  as  toast.  Your  discourse,  Cassius, 
has  moved  me  deeply.  Perhaps  it  would  com- 
fort you  to  call  up  police  headquarters  again 
and  tell  'em  to  hurry  along?" 

"Wouldn't  be  a  bad  idea,"  said  Mr.  Smilk. 
He  took  down  the  receiver.  Presently :  * '  Police 
headquarters  f  .  .  .  How  about  sending  over  to 
418  Sagamore  for  that  burglar  I  was  speakin' 


34  YOLLOP 

to  you  about  recently?  .  .  .  Sure,  he's  here 
yet.  .  .  .  The  same  name  I  gave  you  earlier  in 
the  evening.  .  .  .  Spell  it  yourself.  You  got  it 
written  down  on  a  pad  right  there  in  front  of 
you,  haven't  you?  .  .  .  Say,  if  you  don't  get 
somebody  around  here  pretty  quick,  I'm  goin' 
to  call  up  two  or  three  of  the  newspaper  offices 
and  have  'em  send — .  .  .  All  right.  See  that 
you  do."  Turning  to  Mr.  Yollop,  he  said: 
"The  police  are  a  pretty  decent  lot  when  you 
get  to  know  'em,  Mr.  Yollop.  They  do  their 
share  towards  enf  orcin '  the  law.  They  do  their 
best  to  get  us  the  limit.  The  trouble  is,  they 
got  to  fight  tooth  and  nail  against  almost  every- 
body that  ain't  on  the  police  force.  Specially 
jurymen.  There  ain't  a  juryman  in  New  York 
City  that  wants  to  believe  a  policeman  on  oath. 
He'd  sooner  believe  a  crook,  any  day.  And 
sometimes  the  judges  are  worse  than  the  juries. 
A  pal  of  mine,  bein'  in  considerable  of  a  hurry 
to  get  back  home  one  very  cold  winter,  figured 
that  if  he  went  up  and  plead  guilty  before  a 
judge  he'd  save  a  lot  of  time.  Well,  sir,  the 
doggone  judge  looked  him  over  for  a  minute  or 
two,  and  suddenly,  out  of  a  clear  sky,  asked  him 
if  he  had  a  family, — and  when  he  acknowledged, 
being  an  honest  though  ignorant  guy,  that  he 
had  a  wife  and  three  children,  the  judge  said, 
if  he'd  promise  to  go  out  and  earn  a  livin'  for 


YOLLOP  35 

them  he  'd  let  him  off  with  a  suspended  sentence, 
and  before  he  had  a  chance  to  say  he'd  be 
damned  if  he  'd  make  any  such  fool  promise,  the 
bailiff  hustled  him  out  the  runway  and  told 
him  to  'beat  it'.  He  had  to  go  out  and  slug 
a  poor  old  widow  woman  and  rob  her  of  all  the 
money  she'd  saved  since  her  husband  died — 
say,  that  reminds  me.  I  got  a  favor  I'd  like 
to  ask  of  you,  Mr.  Yollop." 

"I'm  inclined  to  grant  almost  any  favor  you 
may  ask,"  said  Mr.  Yollop,  sympathetically. 
"I  know  how  miserable  you  must  feel,  Cassius, 
and  how  hard  life  is  for  you.  Do  you  want  me 
to  shoot  you?" 

"No,  I  don't,"  exclaimed  Mr.  Smilk  hastily. 
"I  want  you  to  take  my  roll  of  bills  and  hide 
it  before  the  police  come.  That  ain't  much  to 
ask,  is  it?" 

"Bless  my  soul!    How  extraordinary!" 

' '  There 's  something  over  six  hundred  dollars 
in  the  roll,"  went  on  Cassius  confidentially. 
"It  ain't  that  I'm  afraid  the  cops  will  grab  it 
for  themselves,  understand.  But,  you  see,  it's 
like  this.  The  first  thing  the  judge  asks  you 
when  you  are  arraigned  is  whether  you  got  the 
means  to  employ  a  lawyer.  If  you  ain't,  he 
appoints  some  one  and  it  don't  cost  you  a  cent. 
Now,  if  I  go  down  ,to  the  Tombs  with  all  this 
money,  why,  by  gosh,  it  will  cost  me  just  that 


36  YOLLOP 

much  to  get  sent  to  Sing  'Sing,  'cause  whatever 
you've  got  in  the  shape  of  real  money  is  exactly 
what  your  lawyer's  fee  will  be,  and  it  don't 
seem  sensible  to  spend  all  that  money  to  get 
sent  up  when  you  can  obtain  the  same  result 
for  nothin'.  Ain't  that  sol" 

"It  sounds  reasonable,  Cassius.  You  appear 
to  be  a  thrifty  as  well  as  an  honest  fellow. 
But,  may  I  be  permitted  to  ask  what  the  devil 
you  are  doing  with  six  hundred  dollars  on  your 
person  while  actively  engaged  in  the  pursuit 
of  your  usual  avocation?  Why  didn't  you 
leave  it  at  home?" 

"Home?  My  God,  man,  don't  you  know  it 
ain't  safe  these  days  to  have  a  lot  of  money 
around  the  house?  With  all  these  burglaries 
going  on?  Not  on  your  life.  Even  if  I  had 
had  all  this  dough  when  I  left  home  to-night,  I 
wouldn't  have  taken  any  such  chance  as  leavin' 
it  there.  The  feller  I'm  roomin'  with  is  fig- 
urin'  on  turning  over  a  new  leaf;  he's  thinkin' 
of  gettin'  married  for  five  or  six  months  and 
I  don't  think  he  could  stand  temptation." 

"Do  you  mean  to  say,  you  acquired  your 
roll  after  leaving  home  tonight,  eh?" 

"To  be  perfectly  honest  with  you,  Mr.  Mop- 
pup,  I-" 

"Yollop,  please." 

" — Yollop,  I  found  this  money  in  front  of  a 


YOLLOP  37 

theater  up  town, — just  after  the  police  nabbed 
a  friend  of  mine  who  had  frisked  some  guy  of 
his  roll  and  had  to  drop  it  in  a  hurry." 

"And  you  want  me  to  keep  it  for  you  till  you 
are  free  again, — is  that  it!" 

"Just  as  soon  as  the  trial  is  over  and  I  get 
my  sentence,,  I'll  send  a  pal  of  mine  around  to 
you  with  a  note  and  you  can  turn  it  over  to 
him.  All  I'm  after,  is  to  keep  some  lawyer 
from  gettin' — " 

"What  would  you  say,  Cassius,  if  I  were  to 
tell  you  that  I  am  a  lawyer?" 

"I'd  say  you're  a  darned  fool  to  confess 
when  you  don't  have  to,"  replied  Mr.  Smilk 
succinctly. 

Mr.  Yollop  chuckled.  "Well,  I'm  not  a  law- 
yer. Nevertheless,  I  must  decline  to  act  as  a 
depository  for  your  obviously  ill-gotten  gains. ' ' 

"Gee,  that's  tough,"  lamented  Mr.  Smilk. 
"Wouldn't  you  just  let  me  drop  it  behind  some- 
thing or  other, — that  book  case  over  there 
say, —  and  I'll  promise  to  send  for  it  some 
night  when  you're  out, — " 

"No  use,  Cassius,"  broke  in  Mr.  Yollop, 
firmly.  "  I  'm  deaf  to  your  entreaties.  Permit 
me  to  paraphrase  a  very  well-known  line. 
'None  so  deaf  as  him  who  will  not  hear.'  " 

"If  I  speak  very  slowly  and  distinctly  don't 
you  think  you  could  hear  me  if  I  was  to  offer 


38  YOLLOP 

to  split  the  wad  even  with  you, — fifty-fifty, — 
no  questions  asked?"  inquired  Cassius,  rather 
wistfully. 

' '  See  here, ' '  exclaimed  Mr.  Yollop,  irritably ; 
"you  got  me  in  this  position  and  I  want  you  to 
get  me  out  of  it.  While  I've  been  squatting 
here  listening  to  you,  they've  both  gone  to  sleep 
•and  I'm  hanged  if  I  can  move  'em.  I  never 
would  have  dreamed  of  sitting  on  them  if  you 
hadn't  put  the  idea  into  my  head,  confound 
you." 

"Let  'em  hang  down  for  a  while,"  suggested 
Mr.  Smilk.  "That'll  wake  'em  up." 

"Easier  said  than  done,"  snapped  the  other. 
He  managed,  however,  to  get  his  benumbed  feet 
to  the  floor  and  presently  stood  up  on  them. 
Mr.  Smilk  watched  him  with  interest  as  he  hob- 
bled back  and  forth  in  front  of  the  desk. 
"They'll  be  all  right  in  a  minute  or  two.  By 
Jove,  I  wish  my  sister  could  have  heard  all 
you've  been  saying  about  prisons  and  paroles 
and  police.  I  ought  to  have  had  sense  enough 
to  call  her.  She 's  asleep  at  the  other  end  of  the 
hall." 

"I  hate  women,"  growled  Mr.  Smilk. 
"Ever  since  that  pie-faced  dame  got  me 
chucked  out  of  Sing  Sing, — say,  let  me  tell  you 
something  else  she  done  to  me.  She  gave  me 
an  address  somewhere  up  on  the  East  Side  and 


YOLLOP  39 

told  me  to  come  and  see  her  as  soon  as  I  got 
out.  Well,  I  hadn't  been  out  a  week  when  I 
went  up  to  see  her  one  night, — or,  more  strictly 
speakin',  one  morning  about  two  o'clock. 
What  do  you  think?  It  was  an  empty  house, 
with  a  'for  rent'  sign  on  it.  I  found  out 
the  next  day  she'd  moved  a  couple  of  weeks 
before  and  had  gone  to  some  hotel  for  the 
winter  because  it  was  impossible  to  keep  any 
servants  while  this  crime  wave  is  goin'  on. 
The  janitor  told  me  she'd  had  three  full 
sets  of  servants  stole  right  out  from  under 
her  nose  by  female  bandits  over  on  Park 
Avenue.  I  don't  suppose  I'll  ever  have  an- 
other chance  to  get  even  with  her.  Every- 
thing all  set  to  bind  and  gag  her,  and  maybe 
rap  her  over  the  bean  a  couple  of  times 
and — say,  can  you  beat  it  for  rotten  luck1? 
She — she  double-crossed  me,  that's  what 
she—" 

A  light,  hesitating  rap  on  the  library  door 
interrupted  Mr.  Smilk's  bitter  reflection. 


CHAPTER  THEEE 

one  at  the  door,"  the  burglar  an- 
nounced,,  after  a  moment.    Mr.  Yollop 
had  failed  to  hear  the  tapping. 

"You  can't  fool  me,  'Cassius.  It's  an  old 
trick  but  it  won't  work.  I've  seen  it  done  on 
the  stage  too  many  times  to  be  caught  napping 

by,-" 

"There  it  goes  again.  Louder,  please!"  he 
called  with  considerable  vehemence  and  was 
rewarded  by  a  scarcely  audible  tapping  indic- 
ative not  only  of  timidity  but  of  alarm  as  well — 
"Say,"  he  bawled,  "you'll  have  to  cut  out  that 
spirit  rapping  if  you  want  to  come  in.  Use 
your  night-stick!" 

"Ah,  the  police  at  last,"  cried  Mr.  Yollop. 
"You'd  better  take  this  revolver  now,  Mr. 
Smilk,"  he  added  hastily.  "I  won't  want  'em 
to  catch  me  with  a  weapon  in  my  possession. 
It  means  a  heavy  fine  or  imprisonment."  He 
shoved  the  pistol  across  the  desk.  "They 
wouldn't  believe  me  if  I  said  it  was  yours." 

A  sharp,  penetrating  rat-a-tat  on  the  door. 
Mr.  Smilk  picked  up  the  revolver. 

40 


YOLLOP  41 

1  'You  bet  they  wouldn't,"  said  he.  "If  I 
swore  on  a  stack  of  bibles  I  let  a  boob  like  you 
take  it  away  from  me,  they'd  send  me  to  Mat- 
teawan,  and  God  knows, — " 

"Come  in!"  called  out  Mr.  Yollop. 

The  door  opened  and  a  plump,  dumpy  lady 
in  a  pink  peignoir,  her  front  hair  done  up  in 
curl-papers  stood  revealed  on  the  threshold 
blinking  in  the  strong  light. 

"Goodness  gracious,  Crittenden,"  she  cried 
irritably,  "don't  you  know  what  time  of  night 
it—" 

She  broke  off  abruptly  as  Mr.  Smilk,  with 
a  great  clatter,  yanked  his  remaining  foot  from 
the  drawer  and  arose,  overturning  the  swivel- 
chair  in  his  haste. 

"Well,  for  the  love  of — "  oozed  from  his  gap- 
ing mouth.  Suddenly  he  turned  his  face  away 
and  hunched  one  shoulder  up  as  a  sort  of 
shield. 

"It's  long  past  three  o'clock,"  went  on  the 
newcomer  severely.  "I'm  sorry  to  interrupt 
a  conference  but  I  do  think  you  might  arrange 
for  an  appointment  during  the  day,  sir.  My 
brother  has  not  been  well  and  if  ever  a  man 
needed  sleep  and  rest  and  regular  hours,  he 
does.  Crittenden,  I  wish  you — " 

"Cassius,"  interrupted  Mr.  Yollop  urbanely, 
"this  is  my  sister,  Mrs.  Champney.  I  want 


42  YOLLOP 

you  to  repeat —  Turn  around  here,,  can 't  you  ? 
What's  the  matter  with  you?" 

* '  Don 't  order  me  around  like  that, ' '  muttered 
Mr.  Smilk,  still  with  his  face  averted.  "I've 
got  the  gun  now  and  I'll  do  as  I  damn'  please. 
You  can't  talk  to 'me  like — " 

"Goodness!  Who  is  this  man!"  cried  the 
lady,  stopping  short  to  regard  the  blasphemer 
with  shocked,  disapproving  eyes.  "And  what 
is  he  doing  with  a  revolver  in  his  hand?" 

*  *  Give  me  that  pistol, —  at  once, ' '  commanded 
Mr.  Yollop.  "Hand  it  over!" 

"Not  on  your  life,"  cried  Mr.  Smilk  trium- 
phantly. He  faced  Mrs.  Champney.  "Take 
off  them  rings,  you.  Put  'em  here  on  the  desk. 
Lively,  now!  And  don't  yelp!  Do  you  get 
me?  Don't  yelp!" 

Mrs.  'Champney  stared  unblinkingly,  speech- 
less. 

"Put  up  your  hands,  Yollop!"  ordered  Mr. 
Smilk. 

"Why, — why,  it's  Ernest, — Ernest  Wilson," 
she  gasped,  incredulously.  Then,  with  a  little 
squeak  of  relief:  "Don't  pay  any  attention  to 
him,  Crittenden.  He  is  a  friend  of  mine. 
Don't  you  remember  me,  Ernest?  I  am — " 

"You  bet  your  life  I  remember  you,"  said  the 
burglar  softly,  almost  purringly. 

"Ernest    your    grandmother,"    cried    Mr. 


YOLLOP  43 

Yollop  jerking  the  disk  first  one  way  and  then 
the  other  in  order  to  catch  the  flitting  duologue. 
"His  name  is  Smilk, — Cassius  Smilk." 

" Nothing  of  the  sort,"  said  Mrs.  Champney 
sharply.  "It's  Ernest  Wilson, — isn't  it,  Er- 
nest?" 

"Take  off  them  rings,"  was  the  answer  she 
got. 

"What  is  this  man  doing  here,  Crittenden  ? " 
demanded  Mrs.  Champney,  paying  no  heed  to 
Smilk 's  command. 

"He's  a  burglar,"  replied  Mr.  Yollop.  "I 
guess  you'd  better  take  off  your  rings,  Alice." 

"Do  you  mean  to  tell  me,  Ernest  Wilson,  that 
you've  gone  back  to  your  evil  ways  after  all 

T » 

•»•> 

"I  say,  Cassius,"  cried  Mr.  Yollop,  "is  this 
the  woman  you  wanted  to  bind  and  gag  and — 
and—" 

"Yes,  and  rap  over  the  bean,"  finished  Mr. 
Smilk,  as  the  speaker  considerately  refrained. 

"Rap  over  the — what!"  inquired  Mrs. 
Champney,  squinting. 

"The  bean,"  said  Mr.  'Smilk,  with  emphasis. 

"I  can't  imagine  what  has  come  over  you, 
Ernest.  You  were  such  a  nice,  quiet,  model 
prisoner, — one  of  the  most  promising  I  ever 
had  anything  to  do  with.  The  authorities 
assured  me  that  you — do  you  mean  to  tell  me 


44  YOLLOP 

that  you  entered  this  apartment  for  the  purpose 
of  robbing  it?  Don't  answer!  I  don't  want 
to  hear  your  voice  again.  You  have  given  me 
the  greatest  disappointment  of  my  life.  I 
trusted  you,  Ernest, — I  had  faith  in  you, — and 
— and  now  I  find  you  here  in  my  own  brother 's 
apartment,  of  all  places  in  the  world,  still  pur- 
suing your — " 

"Well,  you  went  and  moved  away  on  me," 
broke  in  Smilk  •vrrathfully. 

"That's  right,  Alice, "  added  Mr.  Yollop. 
"You  went  and  moved  on  him.  He  told  me 
that  just  before  you  came  in." 

"You  may  as  well  understand  right  now, 
Ernest  Wilson,  that  I  shall  never  intercede  for 
you  again,"  said  Mrs.  Champney  sternly.  "I 
shall  let  you  rot  in  prison.  I  am  through  with 
you.  You  don't  deserve — " 

"Are  you  goin'  to  take  off  them  rings,  or 
have  I  got  to — " 

"Would  you  rob  your  benefactress?"  de- 
manded the  lady. 

"Every  time  I  think  of  all  that  you  robbed 
me  of,  I — I — "  began  Mr.  Smilk,  shakily. 

"Don't  blubber,  Cassius,"  said  Mr.  Yollop 
consolingly.  "You  see,,  my  dear  Alice,  Mr. 
Smilk  thinks, — and  maintains, — that  you  did 
him  a  dirty  trick  when  you  had  him  turned  out 
into  a  wicked,  dishonest  world.  He  was  living 


YOLLOP  45 

on  the  fat  of  the  land  up  there  in  Sing  Sing, 
seeing  motion  pictures  and  plays  and  so  forth, 
without  a  worry  in  the  world,  with  union  hours 
and  union  pay,  no  one  depending — " 

"What  nonsense  are  you  talking?  How 
could  he  have  union  pay  in  a  penitentiary, 
Crittenden?" 

"Don't  interrupt  me,  please.  However,  I 
will  explain  that  he  was  just  as  well-off  at  the 
end  of  the  week  as  any  union  laborer  is,  and 
no  street  car  fare  to  pay  besides.  Free  food, 
fuel,  lodging,  divorce,  music — " 

"I  forgot  to  mention  baseball,"  interrupted 
Mr.  Smilk.  "And  once  in  awhile  an  electro- 
cution to  break  the  monotony,  to  say  nothin' 
of  a  jail-break  every  now  and  then.  Say, 
you'll  have  to  get  a  move  on,  Mrs.  Champney, — 
God,  will  I  ever  forget  that  name! — 'cause 
we're  expectin'  the  police  here  before  long. 
I've  changed  my  mind  about  havin'  you  hold 
your  hands  up,  Mr.  Yollop.  You  made  me 
telephone  for  the  police  to  come  around  and 
arrest  me.  Now  I'm  goin'  to  make  you  bind 
and  gag  this  lady.  I  can't  very  well  do  it  my- 
self and  keep  you  covered  at  the  same  time, 
and  while  I  ought  to  give  you  a  wollop  on  the 
jaw,  same  as  you  done  to  me,  I  ain't  goin'  to  do 
it.  You  can  scream  if  you  want  to,  ma'am, — 
yell  'bloody  murder',  and  'police',  and  every- 


46  YOLLOP 

thing.    It's  all  the   same  to  me.    Go  ahead 
and—" 

"It  is  not  my  intention  to  do  anything  of  the 
kind,"  announced  the  lady  haughtily.  "But  I 
want  to  tell  you  one  thing,  Crittenden  Yollop. 
If  you  attempt  to  gag  and  bind  me,  I'll 
bite  and  scratch,  even  if  you  are  my  own  bro- 
ther." 

Mr.  Yollop  pondered.  "I  think,  Cassius,  if 
you  don't  mind,  I'd  rather  you'd  hit  me  a  good 
sound  wollop  on  the  jaw." 

"I'll  tell  you  what  I'll  do,"  modified  Mr. 
Smilk.  "I'll  lock  you  in  that  closet  over  there, 
Mr.  Yollop,  so's  you  won't  have  to  watch  me 
rap  her  over  the  bean.  After  I've  gone 
through  the  apartment,  I'll — " 

"Would  you  strike  a  woman,  Ernest  Wil- 
son?" cried  Mrs.  Champney. 

"See  here,  Smilk,"  said  Mr.  Yollop,  "I  can- 
not allow  you  to  strike  my  sister.  If  you  so 
much  as  lay  a  finger  on  her,  I'll  thrash  you 
within  an  inch  of  your  life." 

"Oh,  you  will,  will  you?"  sneered  Mr.  Smilk. 

"If  you  want  to  go  ahead  and  rob  this  apart- 
ment in  a  decent,  orderly  way,  all  well  and 
good.  My  sister  and  I  will  personally  conduct 
you  through, — " 

"We  will  do  nothing  of  the  kind,"  blazed 
Mrs.  Champney. 


YOLLOP  47 

'I'd  like  to  see  you  try  to  thrash  me  within 
an  inch — " 

"And,  what's  more,"  went  on  the  lady,  "I 
will  see  that  you  go  up  for  twenty  years,  Ernest 
Wilson,  you  degraded,  ungrateful  wretch. ' ' 

Smilk 's  face  brightened.  He  even  allowed 
himself  a  foxy  grin. 

"Now  you're  beginnin'  to  talk  sense,"  said 
he. 

"Sit  down,  Ernest,  and  let  me  talk  quietly  to 
you,"  said  Mrs.  Champney.  "I'm  sure  you 
don't  quite  realize  what  you  are  doing.  You 
need  moral  support.  You  are  not  naturally 
a  bad  man.  You — " 

"Are  you  goin'  to  take  them  rings  off  peace- 
ably?" muttered  Smilk,  a  hunted  look  leaping 
into  his  eyes. 

"I  am  not,"  said  she. 

"Speak  a  little  louder,  both  of  you,"  com- 
plained Mr.  Yollop.  "This  contraption  of 
mine  doesn't  seem  to  catch  what  you  are  say- 
ing." 

"Jiggle  it,"  said  Smilk  brightly. 

"How  long  ago  did  you  telephone  for  the 
police,  Crittenden?" 

"How  long  ago  was  it,  Cassius?" 

'  *  Only  about  an  hour.  We  got  plenty  of  time 
to  finish  up  before  they  get  here." 

"Do  you  think  it  will  go  harder  with  you, 


48  YOLLOP 

Cassius,  if  they  find  Mrs.  Champney  bound  and 
gagged  and  everything  scattered  about  the 
floor,  and  the  jewelry  in  your  posession?" 

1  'It  might  help,"  said  Cassius.  "The 
trouble  is,  you  never  can  tell  what  a  damn '  fool 
jury  will  do,  'specially  to  a  guy  with  a  record 
like  mine. ' ' 

"You  had  a  splendid  record  up  at  Sing 
Sing,"  announced  the  lady.  "That's  why  I 
had  so  little  trouble — " 

"You  don't  get  me,"  said  Cassius  lugubri- 
ously. "My  record  is  a  bad  one.  I've  been 
paroled  twice.  That's  bound  to  influence  most 
any  jury  against  me.  Wouldn't  surprise  me  a 
bit  if  they  recommended  clemency,  as  the  sayin' 
is,  and  after  all  that's  been  done  to  keep  me  out 
of  the  pen,  the  judge  is  likely  to  up  and  give  me 
the  minimum  sentence.  No,"  he  went  on,  "I 
guess  I  '11  have  to  rap  somebody  over  the  bean. 
I'd  sooner  it  as  you,  ma'am,  on  account  of  the 
way  you  forced  me  into  a  life  of  crime  when  I 
was  leadin'  an  honest,  happy,  carefree — " 

"Why,  the  man's  insane,  Crittenden, —  posi- 
tively insane.  He  doesn't  know  what  he's — " 

"For  God's  sake,  don't  start  anything  like 
that,"  barked  Cassius.  "That  would  be  the 
limit!" 

"You  don't  understand,  Alice,"  said  Mr. 


YOLLOP  49 

Yollop  kindly.  1 1  The  poor  f ellew  merely  wants 
to  have  the  law  enforced.  He  says  it 's  a  crime 
the  way  the  law  is  being  violated  these  days. 
Or  words  to  that  effect,  eh,  Cassius?" 

"Yes,  sir.  There  are  more  honest,  law- 
abidin'  men  up  in  Sing  Sing  right  at  this  min- 
ute than  there  are  in  the  whole  city  of  New 
York.  Or  words  to  that  effect,  as  you  say,  Mr. 
Yollop.  The  surest  and  quickest  way  to  make 
an  honest  man  of  a  crook  is  to  send  him  to  the 
pen.  I  don't  know  as  I've  ever  heard  of  a 
robbery,  or  a  holdup,  or  anything  like  that  up 
there. ' ' 

"The  way  he  rambles,  Crittenden,  is 
proof — " 

"It  would  be  just  like  her  to  go  on  the  stand 
and  swear  I'm  batty,"  snarled  Cassius.  "I 
got  to  do  something  about  it,  Mr.  Yollop. 
She 's  goin '  to  interfere  with  the  law  again,  sure 
as  God  made  little  apples.  I  can  see  it  comin' . 
I'm  goin'  to  count  three,  ma'am.  If  you  don't 
let  Mr.  Yollop  start  to  tyin'  you  up  with  that 
muffler  of  his  hangin'  over  there  in  the  closet  by 
the  time  I've  said  three,  I'm  goin'  to  shoot  him. 
I  hate  to  do  it,  'cause  he's  a  fine  feller  and 
don't  deserve  to  be  shot  on  account  of  any  darn' 
fool  woman. ' ' 

"I  suppose  you  know  the  law  provides  a  very 


50  YOLLOP 

unpleasant  penalty  for  murder/'  said  Mrs. 
Champney,  but  her  voice  quavered  disloyally. 

"One!"  began  Cassius  ominously. 

"Do  you  really  mean  it!"  she  cried,  and 
glanced  frantically  over  her  shoulder  at  the 
open  closet  door. 

"Two,"  replied  Cassius. 

"Count  slowly,"  implored  Mr.  Yollop. 

"You — you  may  tie  my  hands,  Critt —  Crit- 
tenden, — "  chattered  the  lady. 

"You  mustn't  bite  or  scratch  him,"  warned 
Cassius. 

Sixty  seconds  later,  Mrs.  Champney  stood 
before  the  burglar,  her  wrists  securely  bound 
behind  her  back. 

"Will  you  gag  her,  or  must  I?"  demanded 
Cassius. 

"I  will  give  you  my  word  of  honor  not  to 
scream,"  faltered  the  crumpling  lady. 

"It  ain't  the  screamin'  I  object  to,"  said 
Smilk.  "It's  the  talkin'.  You've  done  too 
much  talkin*  already,  ma'am.  If  you  hadn't 
talked  so  much  I  wouldn  't  be  here  tonight. ' ' 

"Have  you  a  hanky,  Cassius f"  inquired  Mr. 
Yollop. 

"I  refuse  to  have  that  disgusting  wretch's 
fllthy  handkerchief  stuffed  into  my  mouth," 
cried  Mrs.  Champney,  with  spirit.  Mr.  Yollop 


YOLLOP  51 

chuckled.  "Good  gracious,  Crittenden,  what 
is  there  to  laugh  at?" 

"I  was  thinking  of  your  roll  of  bills,  Cas- 
sius,"  said  Mr.  Yollop. 

"Not  on  your  life,"  said  Cassius,  who  evi- 
dently had  had  the  same  thought.  "She'd 
swaller  it." 

"I  suppose  we'd  better  repair  to  your  room, 
Alice,  where  we  can  obtain  the  neccessary 
articles.  Mr.  Smilk  will  naturally  want  to  ran- 
sack your  room  anyhow,  so  we  '11  be  saving  quite 
a  bit  of  time.  And  the  police  are  likely  to  be 
here  any  minute  now." 

"You  forgot  to  take  your  rings  off,  ma'am," 
reminded  Mr.  Smilkj  "That's  got  to  be 
attended  to,  first  of  all.  Take  'em  off,  Mr. 
Yollop,  and  put  'em  here  on  the  desk. ' '  A  mo- 
ment later  he  dropped  the  three  costly  rings 
into  his  coat  pocket.  "Now,"  said  he,  "lead 
the  way.  I  '11  be  right  behind  you  with  the  gun. 
No  monkey  business,  now, —  remember  that." 

It  was  not  long  before  Mrs.  Champney,  prop- 
erly gagged,  found  herself  lashed  to  a  rocking- 
chair  in  the  charming  little  bed  chamber, 
occupying,  so  to  speak,  a  select  position  from 
which  to  observe  the  hasty  but  skillful  opera- 
tions of  her  recalcitrant  beneficiary.  She 
watched  him  empty  her  innovation  trunk,  the 


52  YOLLOP 

drawers  in  her  bureau,  and  the  closet  in  which 
her  choicest  gowns  were  hanging.  He  did  it 
very  thoroughly.  The  floor  was  strewn  with 
lingerie,  hats,  shoes,  slippers,  gloves,  stockings, 
furs,  frocks, — over  which  he  trod  with  profes- 
sional disdain;  he  broke  open  her  smart  little 
jewel  case  and  took  therefrom  a  glittering 
assortment  of  rings,  bracelets,  and  earrings; 
a  horseshoe  pin,  a  gorgeous  crescent,  and  a 
string  of  pearls ;  a  platinum  and  diamond  wrist 
watch,  an  acorn  watch,  a  diamond  collar,  sev- 
eral bars  of  diamonds,  rubies  and  emeralds,  and 
odds  and  ends  of  feminine  vanity  all  without 
so  much  as  pausing  to  classify  them  beyond  the 
mere  word  "junk".  All  of  this  dazzling  for- 
tune he  stuffed  carelessly  into  his  pocket. 

During  the  proceedings,  Mr.  Yollop  stood 
obediently  over  against  the  wall,  his  hands 
aloft,  his  back  towards  the  rummaging  Cassius. 

"What's  in  that  room  over  there?"  de- 
manded the  burglar,  pointing  to  a  closed  door. 
For  obvious  reasons  there  was  no  response. 
He  scowled  for  a  second  or  two  and  then,  strid- 
ing over  to  Mr.  Yollop,  seized  him  by  the 
shoulder  and  turned  him  about-face.  Then  he 
repeated  the  question. 

1 1  That 's  the  room  where  my  niece  sleeps.  A 
little  ten  year  old  child,  Cassius.  You  will 
oblige  me  by  not  disturbing — " 


YOLLOP  53 

"Is  her  hair  bobbed?"    broke  in  Mr.  Smilk. 

"Certainly  not.  She  wears  it  long.  Beauti- 
ful golden  tresses,  Smilk.  Particularly  beau- 
tiful when  she's  asleep,  spreading  out  all  over 
the  pillow  like  a  silken — "  An  audible,  muffled, 
groan  came  from  the  occupant  of  the  rocking- 
chair  heard  only  by  Mr.  Smilk.  His  gaze  went 
first  to  the  purpling  face  of  Mrs.  Champney, 
then  to  the  door,  then  back  to  the  lady  again. 

"For  your  sake,  Mr.  Yollop,  I  won't  clip 
it,"  he  announced.  "I  know  I'd  ought  to, 
but —  Well,  I  guess  it's  about  time  we  went 
back  to  the  library  again.  The  cops  will  be 
along  in  a  couple  of  minutes  now,  according  to 
my  calculations.  I  can  tell  almost  to  a  minute 
how  long  it  takes  them  to  get  around  to  where  a 
burglary  has  been  committed.  If  you'll  tell 
me  where  you  think  your  slippers  are  we'll 
stop  and  get  'em  on  the  way. ' ' 

Leaving  Mrs.  Champney  seated  alone  and 
helpless  in  the  midst  of  the  confusion,  Smilk 
marched  Mr.  Yollop  to  his  bedroom  and  then  up 
the  hall  to  the  scene  of  the  first  encounter. 

"It  seems  sort  of  a  pity  not  to  get  away  with 
all  this  stuff,"  said  the  burglar,  rattling  the 
objects  in  his  pocket.  "It  ain't  professional. 
I'm  beginnin'  to  change  my  mind  about  bein' 
arrested,  Mr.  Yollop :  I  know  a  girl  that  would 
be  tickled  to  death  to  have  these  things  to  splash 


54  YOLLOP 

around  in.  She's  a  peach  of  a — say,  I  believe 
I'll  use  your  telephone  again.  I'll  call  her  up 
and  see  how  she  feels  about  it.  If  she  says 
she'd  like  to  have  'em,  I'll  make  my  getaway 
before  the  cops — " 

"You  will  find  the  telephone  directory  hang- 
ing on  the  end  of  the  desk,  Cassius,"  said  Mr. 
Yollop  graciously.  He  was  seated  in  the  big 
arm  chair  again,  wriggling  his  toes  delightedly 
in  the  cozy,  fleece  lined  bed-room  slippers. 
"But  are  you  not  afraid  she  will  be  annoyed 
if  you  get  her  out  of  bed  this  time  o'  night? 
It's  after  three." 

"I  know  the  number.  Yes,  she'll  be  sore  at 
first,  but —  Hello  Central?"  He  lowered  his 
voice  almost  to  a  whisper,  so  that  Mr.  Yollop 
could  not  hear.  "Give  me  Plaza  00100. 
Eight."  Turning  to  Mr.  Yollop,  he  announced 
as  he  sank  back  into  the  chair  comfortably: 

"It's  an  apartment.  We'll  probably  have 
quite  a  long  wait.  I've  found  it  takes  some 
little  time  to  wake  the  head  of  the  house  and  get 
him  to  the  'phone.  And  say,  he's  the  darndest 
grouch  I've  ever  tackled.  Get's  sore  as  a  crab. 
But  we've  got  him  where  we  want  him.  He 
knows  darned  well  if  he  kicks  up  a  row,  she'll 
quit  and  his  wife  couldn't  get  anybody  in  her 
place  for  love  or  money  these  days.  I  was 


YOLLOP  55 

savin'  only  the  other  night — "  Again  lower- 
ing his  voice:  "Is  this  Plaza  00100?  ...  I 
want  to  speak  to  Yilga,  please."  .  .  .  Kaising 
his  voice  considerably:  "Here,  now,  cut  that 
out!  .  .  .  Well,  it  is  important.  .  .  .  Course,  I 
know  what  time  o'  night  it  is.  ...  Yes,  it's 
a  damned  outrage  an'  all  that,  but — what?  .  .  . 
All  right,  I'll  hold  the  wire.  Tell  her  to  hustle, 
will  you?" 

"I  wish  I  had  shot  you,  Smilk,  when  I  had 
the  chance,"  said  Mr.  Yollop  sadly.  "This  is 
abominable,  atrocious.  Getting  a  man  out  of 
bed  at  half-past  three!  It's  unspeakable, 
Smilk!" 

"She's  a  light  sleeper,"  mused  Mr.  Smilk 
aloud,  dreamily. 

"What  say?" 

"Don't  bother  me.    I'm  thinkin'  !" 

Mr.  Yollop  waited  a  moment.  "What  are 
you  thinking  about,  Cassius?" 

Cassius  started.  ".  .  .Eh?  I  was  thinkin' 
about  the  last  time  I  had  breakfast  at  Mr. 
Johnson's  apartment.  It  was  that  terrible 
cold  morning  the  first  of  last  week.  By  gosh, 
how  that  girl  can  cook!  Six  fried  eggs  and — 
yes?  Hello!" 

Plaza  00100:    " Yilga 's  not  in  yet." 

Smilk,   sharply:    "What's  that?" 


56  VOLLOP 

Plaza  00100 :    * '  She 's  out. ' ' 

Smilk,  sharply:  "Out?  Come  off!  You 
can't  put  that  sort  of  stuff  over  me — " 

Plaza  00100:  "I  tell  you  she's  not  in. 
That's  all.  And  say,  don't  call  up  this  apart- 
ment again  at — " 

Smilk :  *  *  Say,  it 's  nearly  four  o  'clock.  She 
must  be  in." 

Plaza  00100:  " She's  not  in,  I  tell  you. 
She  went  out  last  evening  with  her  young  man. 
One  of  the  other  maids  stuck  her  head  out  of  her 
door  and  told  me. " 

Smilk,  with  fallen  jaw:  "What — what  time 
do  you  expect  her  in  ? " 

Plaza  00100:  "I  don't  know,  and  I  don't 
give  a  damn  so  long  as  she 's  here  in  time  to  get 
break — " 

Smilk,  furiously:  "Hey,  you  go  back  there 
and  bust  into  her  room.  Hear  what  I  say? 
Better  take  a  club  or  a  gun  or  something — " 

Plaza  00100 ;     ' « Go  to  thunder ! ' ' 

Smilk,  flinching  as  he  jerked  the  receiver 
away  from  his  ear:  "Lord !  I  bet  he  put  that 
telephone  out  of  whack ! ' ' 

He  sagged  a  little  as  he  slowly  hung  up  the 
receiver.  For  a  moment  he  stared  desolately  at 
Mr.  Yollop  and  then  recovering  himself  grad- 
ually rushed  with  ever  increasing  velocity  into 
the  most  violent  hurricane  of  profanity  that 


YOLLOP  57 

ever  was  centered  upon  the  frailty  of  woman. 
Running  out  of  expletives  he  at  last  subsided 
into  an  ominous  calm. 

"For  two  cents,"  groaned  he,  "I'd  blow  my 
head  off. ' y  He  gazed  hungrily  at  the  revolver. 

"I  never  dreamed  there  were  so  many  cuss- 
words  in  the  world,"1  gasped  Mr.  Yollop,  blink- 
ing. 

"There  ain't  half  enough,"  announced  Mr. 
Smilk,  in  a  far  away  voice. 

' '  Put  that  pistol  down ! ' '  roared  Mr.  Yollop. 
"What  are  you  going  to  do  f  Shoot  yourself  f ' ' 

"It  would  save  an  awful  lot  of  trouble,"  said 
Mr.  Smilk. 

"The  deuce  it  would!  My  servants  would 
be  a  week  cleaning  up  after  you,  and  yourd 
probably  ruin  this  Meshed  rug.  Besides,  con- 
found you,  the  police  would  think  that  I  shot 
you.  Give  me  that  pistol!  Give  it  to  me,  I 
say.  You  can  come  in  here  and  rob  to  your 
heart's  content,  but  I'm  damned  if  Pll  allow 
you  to  commit  suicide  here.  That 's  a  little  too 
thick,  Smilk.  Why  the  dickens  should  you 
worry  about  that  infernal  jade?  Aren't  you 
going  to  the  penitentiary  for  fifteen  or  twenty 
years?  Aren't  you — " 

"You're  right, — you're  right,"  broke  in 
Cassius,  drawing  a  deep  breath.  "I  guess  I 
had  a  kind  of  a  brainstorm.  It  was  the  jewels 


58  YOLLOP 

that  done  it.  Funny  how  a  feller  gets  the 
feelin'  that  he  just  has  to  give  diamonds  and 
pearls  to  his  girl.  It  came  over  me  all  of  a 
sudden.  The  only  things  I  ever  gave  that  girl 
was  a  moleskin  coat,  a  sable  collar  and  muff, 
and  a  gold  mesh  bag  with  seventy-eight  dollars 
and  a  lace  handkerchief  in  it.  For  a  minute  or 
two  I  was  tempted  to  give  her  diamonds  and 
rubies — oh,  well,  I  guess  I've  had  my  lesson. 
Never  again!  Never  again,  Mr.  Yollop.  I'm 
off  women  from  now  on.  Here's  the  gun.  If 
the  police  try  to  hang  it  on  you,  I'll  swear  it's 
mine.  Listen!  there's  the  elevator  stoppin'  at 
this  floor.  It's  them.  Before  we  let  'em  in, 
I'd  like  to  tell  you  I've  never  had  a  more  in- 
terestin*  evenin'  in  my  whole  life.  What's 
more  I  never  saw  a  man  like  you.  You  got  me 
guessin' .  You're  either  the  goshdarndest  fool 
livin'  or  else  you're  the  slickest  confidence  man 
outside  of  captivity.  Which  are  you?  That's 
what's  eatin'  me." 

"I'm  both,"  said  Mr.  Yollop,  picking  up  the 
revolver. 

"That  ain't  possible,"  said  Mr.  Smilk. 

"Oh,  yes,  it  is.    I'm  a  milliner,  Cassius." 

"I  know  you're  a  millionaire,  but  that 
don't,—" 

"I  said  milliner." 

"Bun  a  mill  of  some  kind?" 


YOLLOP  59 

"No,  I  make  hats  for  women. " 

As  the  incredulous  burglar  opened  his  mouth 
to  say  something  the  buzzer  on  the  door 
sounded. 

"They  got  here  just  in  time,"  he  substituted. 


CHAPTER  FOUR 

THE  case  of  the  State  vs.  Cassius  Smilk, 
charged  with  burglary,  was  finally  set  for 
trial  the  second  week  in  February,  just  one 
year,  one  month  and  eleven  days  after  his 
arrest  in  the  apartment  of  Crittenden  Yollop. 
There  had  been,  it  appears,  a  slight  delay  in 
getting  'round  to  his  case.  The  dockets  in  all 
Parts  of  General  Sessions  were  more  or  less 
clogged  by  the  efforts  of  ex-convicts  to  get  back 
into  the  penitentiary.  Also,  there  were  a  great 
many  murder  cases  that  kept  bobbing  up  every 
now  and  then  for  continuance  on  one  plea  or 
another  to  the  disgust  of  the  harassed  judges; 
to  say  nothing  of  the  re-trials  made  necessary 
by  the  jurors  who  listened  more  attentively  to 
the  lawyers  who  " summed  up"  than  they  did 
to  the  witnesses  who  were  under  oath  to  tell 
nothing  but  the  truth. 

Cassius,  on  arraignment,  had  pleaded  not 
guilty,  according  to  the  ancient  ritual  of  his 
profession.  Notwithstanding  his  evident  and 
expressed  desire  to  return  to  a  haven  of  peace 
and  luxury,  he  was  far  too  conscientious  a 

60 


YOLLOP  61 

criminal  to  violate  the  soundest — it  may  well  be 
said,  the  elemental — law  of  his  craft,  by  plead- 
ing guilty  to  anything. 

It  was  a  matter  of  principle  with  him.  Cir- 
cumstances had  nothing  to  do  with  it.  The 
instant  he  found  himself  in  court,  he  reverted 
to  type,  somewhat  gleefully  setting  about  to 
make  as  much  trouble  as  possible.  He  adhered 
to  the  principle  that  no  criminal  is  adequately 
punished  unless  the  people  are  made  to  pay  for 
the  privilege  of  suppressing  him.  The  only 
way  to  make  the  people  respect  the  law,  he  con- 
tended, is  to  let  'em  understand  that  it  costs 
money  to  enforce  it.  Besides,  crime  has  a  cer- 
tain, clearly  established  dignity  that  must  be 
reckoned  with.  The  world  thinks  a  great  deal 
less  of  you  if  after  you  have  violated  the  law, 
you  also  refuse  to  fight  it. 

Take  the  judge,  for  instance.  (I  quote 
Smilk.)  What  sort  of  an  opinion  does  he  have 
of  you  if  you  slide  up  to  the  little  "gate,"  with 
your  tail  between  your  legs  and  plead  guilty? 
Why,  he  hardly  notices  you.  He  has  to  put  on 
his  spectacles  in  order  to  see  you  at  all  and  he 
doesn't  even  have  to  look  in  the  statute  book  to 
refresh  his  memory  as  to  the  minimum  penalty 
for  larceny  or  whatever  it  is.  And  the  way 
the  Assistant  District  Attorney  looks  at  you! 
And  the  bailiffs  too.  But  put  up  a  fight  and  see 


62  YOLLOP 

what  happens.  The  whole  blamed  works  sits 
up  and  takes  notice.  The  judge  looks  over  his 
spectacles  and  says  to  himself,  "by  gosh,  he's 
a  tough  lookin'  bird,  that  guy  is;"  the  District 
Attorney  goes  around  tellin'  everybody  in  a 
whisper  that  you're  a  desperate  character;  the 
clerk  of  the  court,  the  stenographer  and  all  the 
bailiffs  sort  of  wake  up  and  act  busy;  the  men 
waiting  to  be  examined  for  jobs  on  the  jury 
begin  to  fidget  and  wonder  whether  the  judge 
is  a  "crab"  or  a  nice,  decent  feller  what '11  let 
'em  off  when  they  tell  him  they  got  sickness  in 
the  family,  and  all  of  'em  hatin'  you  worse  than 
poison  because  you  didn  't  plead  guilty. 

He  was  remanded  for  trial  within  two  weeks 
after  his  arrest.  The  court,  finding  him  penni- 
less, announced  he  would  appoint  counsel  to 
defend  him.  Whereupon  Smilk  sauntered  back 
to  the  Tombs  with  a  light  heart,  confident  that 
his  sojourn  there  would  be  brief  and  that  March 
•at  the  very  latest  would  see  him  snugly  settled 
in  his  rent-free,  food-free,  landlordless  home 
on  the  Hudson,  entertainment  for  man  and 
beast  provided  without  discrimination,  crime  no 
object. 

First  of  all,  his  lawyer  unexpectedly  got  a 
job  to  represent  a  shady  lady  in  a  sensational 
breach  of  promise  suit  that  drew  weekly  post- 
ponements over  a  period  of  five  months  and 


YOLLOP  63 

finally  died  a  natural  death  out  of  court  some- 
time in  June. 

This  resulted  in  his  lawyer  becoming  so 
affluent  that  it  wasn't  necessary  for  him  to 
bother  with  Cassius,  so  he  withdrew  from  the 
case.  After  some  delay,  another  lawyer  was 
appointed  to  defend  him  and  things  began  to 
look  up.  But  by  this  time  the  dockets  had  be- 
come so  jammed  with  unrelated  dilemmas,  and 
the  summer  heat  was  so  intense,  that  the  new 
lawyer  informed  him  he  couldn't  possibly 
sandwich  him  in  unless  he  would  consent  to 
change  his  plea  to  " guilty",  contending  that 
the  combination  of  humility  and  humidity 
would  go  a  long  ways  towards  softening  the 
judge.  But  Cassius  sturdily  refused  to  cheapen 
himself. 

In  the  meantime,  new  crimes  had  been  com- 
mitted by1  countless  gentlemen  of  leisure;  the 
Tombs  was  full  of  men  clamoring  for  attention, 
and  there  was  an  undetected  waiting  list  out- 
side that  stretched  all  the  way  from  the  Battery 
to  the  lower  extremities  of  Yonkers. 

The  principal  witness,  Mr.  Crittenden  Yollop, 
did  his  best  to  behave  nobly.  He  thrice  post- 
poned a  business  trip  to  Paris  in  order  to  be 
within  reach  when  Cassius  needed  him.  Then, 
in  the  fall,  when  things  looked  most  propitious 
for  a  speedy  termination  of  Smilk's  suspense, 


64  YOLLOP 

the  millinery  business  took  a  sudden  and  alarm- 
ing turn  for  the  worse  and  Mr.  Yollop  fell  into 
the  hands  of  the  specialists.  He  had  his  teeth 
ex-rayed,  his  sinuses  probed,  his  eyes  examined, 
his  stomach  sounded,  his  intestines  visited,  his 
nerves  tampered  with,  his  blood  tested,  his  kid- 
neys explored,  his  heart  observed,  his  ears  in- 
spected, his  gall  stones  (if  he  had  any)  shifted, 
his  last  will  and  testament  drawn  up,  his  fu- 
neral practically  arranged  for, — all  by  different 
scientists, — and  then  was  ordered  to  go  off 
somewhere  in  the  country  and  play  golf  for  his 
health.  He  went  to  Hot  Springs,  Virginia,  and 
inside  of  two  weeks  contracted  the  golf  disease 
in  its  most  virulent  form.  He  got  it  so  bad  that 
other  players  looked  upon  him  as  a  scourge  and 
avoided  him  even  to  the  point  of  self-sacrifice. 
It  was  said  of  him  that  when  he  once  got  on  a 
green  it  was  next  to  impossible  to  get  him  off 
of  it. 

But  all  this  is  neither  here  nor  there.  Suffice 
to  say  that  shortly  after  his  return  to  New  York, 
Mr.  Yollop  paid  a  more  or  less  clandestine 
visit  to  the  Tombs,  where  he  saw  Cassius.  This 
was  the  week  before  the  trial  was  to  open. 
He  found  the  crook  in  a  disconsolate  frame  of 
mind. 

" Don't  call  me  Yollop,"  he  managed  to  con- 
vey to  the  prisoner.  "I  gave  another  name  to 


YOLLOP  65 

the  jailer  or  whatever  he  is.  Is  it  jail  bird? 
It  wouldn't  look  right  for  the  prosecuting  wit- 
ness to  come  down  here  to  see  you.  They  think 
I  'm  your  brother-in-law. ' ' 

Smilk  glowered.  "Has  your  hearin'  im- 
proved any?"  he  inquired,  after  locating  the 
disc. 

' 'No,  of  course  mot." 

"Then,"  said  the  prisoner,  "I  can't  tell  you 
what  I  think  of  you  without  the  whole  damn' 
jail  hearin y  me,  so  I  guess  you'd  better  beat 
it." 

"Splendid!  That's  just  the  way  I  might 
have  expected  you  to  talk  to  your  brother-in- 
law." 

"Well,  what  do  you  want  anyhow?" 

"I  don't  think  that's  a  very  nice  way  to 
speak  to  a — " 

"Come  on,  what  do  you  want  to  see  me 
about  ?  Get  it  over  with  and  get  out.  It  can 't 
help  my  case  any  if  it  gets  noised  around  that 
you  come  down  here  to  pay  a  friendly  visit  to 
me.  I'm  havin'  a  hard  enough  time  as  it  is. 
It's  gettin'  so  it's  almost  impossible  to  get  back 
into  the  pen  even — " 

"See  here,  Cassius,  I've  been  giving  your 
case  a  great  deal  of  serious  thought.  I  want 
to  help  you  out  of  this  scrape  if  there  is  any 
way  to  do  it. ' ' 


66  YOLLOP 

"That's  just  what  I  thought  you'd  be  up  to," 
groaned  Cassius.  "What's  got  into  you? 
Have  you  soured  on  life,  or  what  is  it?" 

"Not  a  bit  of  it.  You  do  not  get  my  mean- 
ing. Your  wife  came  to  see  me  yesterday 
afternoon." 

"My  wife?    Which  one?" 
"A  tallish  one  with  a  flat  nose." 
"Yes,  I  know  her.    What'd  she  want?" 
' '  She  asked  me  to  be  as  easy  on  you  as  I  could, 
on  account  of  the  children." 
"How  many  children  has  she  got  now?" 
"Four,  she  informs  me.     The  youngest  is 
two  and  a  half." 

Cassius  seemed  to  be  doing  a  bit  of  mental 
arithmetic.  He  pondered  well  before  speak- 
ing. Then  he  said : 

"Did  she  say  whose  children?" 
"I  assumed  them  to  be  yours,  Cassius." 
Smilk  grinned.  "Well,  I  guess  she's  adopted 
a  couple  since  the  last  time  I  saw  her,  which 
was  five  years  ago  last  Spring.    I  been  mar- 
ried twice  since  then.    So  she  wants  you  to  go 
easy  on  me,  eh?" 

"She  seems  to  think  that  if  I  intercede  for 

you  the  judge  will  let  you  off  with  a  suspended 

sentence,  and  then  you  can  go  to  work  and 

support  your  family. ' ' 

"It's  time   she  woke  up,"   snarled   Smilk. 


YOLLOP  67 

"I  been  at  large  quite  a  bit  in  the  last  ten  years 
and  if  she  can  prove  that  I  ever  supported 
her, — why,  darn  her  hide,  what  right  has  she  got 
to  accuse  me  of  supportin'  her  when  she  knows 
I've  never  been  guilty  of  doin'  it?  She 
knows  as  well  as  anything  that  she  supported 
me  on  three  different  occasions  when  I  was  out 
for  a  month  or  two  at  a  stretch.  I  will  say 
this  for  her,  she  supported  me  better  than  the 
other  two  did, — a  lot  better.  And  it's  her  own 
fault  her  nose  is  flat.  If  she'd  stood  still  that 
time —  But  I'm  not  goin'  to  discuss  family 
affairs  with  you,  Mr.  Yol — " 

"Sh!  Easy!" 

"It's  all  right.    He  ain't  listenin'." 

"What  is  your  brother-in-law's  name!"  in 
a  whisper. 

"I  never  had  but  one  name  for  him,  and  it's 
something  I  wouldn't  call  you  for  anything  in 
the  world,"  said  Smilk.  "Let's  make  it  Bill. 
You  ain't  goin'  to  do  what  she  asks,  are  you? 
You  ain  't  goin '  to  do  a  dirty  trick  like  that  are 
you,— Bill?" 

"I  thought  I  would  come  down  and  talk  the 
matter  over  with  you,  Cash.  I'm  in  quite  a 
dilemma.  She  says  if  I  don't  help  you  out  of 
this  scrape  she  and  all  your  children  will  haunt 
me  to  my  dying  day.  It  sounds  rather  terrible, 
doesn't  it?" 


68  YOLLOP 

"I  can't  think  of  anything  worse,"  acknowl- 
edged Oassius,  solemnly. 

"She  asked  me  what  I  thought  your  sen- 
tence would  be,  and  I  told  her  I  doubted  very 
much  whether  you'd  get  more  than  a  year  or 
so,  in  view  of  all  the  extenuating  circumstan- 
ces,— that  is  to  say,  your  self-restraint  and  all 
that  when  you  had  not  only  the  jewels  but  the 
revolver  as  well.  That  seemed  to  cheer  her  up 
a  bit." 

"You  made  a  ten  strike  that  time,  Bill,"  said 
Smilk,  his  face  brightening.  "I  didn't  give 
you  credit  for  bein'  so  clever.  If  she  thinks 
I'll  be  out  in  a  year  or  two,  maybe  she'll  be 
satisfied  to  keep  her  nose  out  of  my  affairs.  If 
you  had  told  her  I  was  dead  sure  to  go  up  for 
twenty  years  or  so,  she'd  come  and  camp  over 
there  in  the  Criminal  Courts  Building  and  just 
raise  particular  hell  with  everything." 

Mr.  Yollop  turned  his  face  away.  "I'm 
sorry  to  bring  bad  news  to  you,  Cash,  but  she 's 
made  up  her  mind  to  attend  your  trial  next 
Monday.  She's  going  to  bring  the  children 
and—" 

He  was  interrupted  by  the  string  of  horrific 
oaths  that  issued,  pianissimo,  through  the 
twisted  lips  of  the  prisoner.  After  a  time, 
Cassius  interrupted  himself  to  murmur  weakly : 


YOLLOP  69 

"If  she  does  that,  I'm  lost.  We  got  to  head 
her  off  somehow,  Mr. — er — Bill." 

"I  don't  see  how  it  can  be  managed.  She 
has  a  perfect  right  to  attend  the  pro — " 

"Wait  a  minute,  Bill,"  broke  in  the  other 
eagerly.  * '  I  got  an  idea.  If  you  give  her  that 
roll  of  mine,  maybe  she'll  stay  away." 

"What  roll  are  you  talking  about?" 

"My  roll  of  bills, — you  remember,  don't 
you?" 

"My  good  man,  I  haven't  got  your  roll  of 
bills.  And  besides  I  couldn't  put  myself  in  the 
position  of — of — er — what  is  it  you  call  it? — 
tinkering  with  witnesses  to  defeat  the  ends  of 
justice. ' ' 

"But  she  ain't  <a  witness,  Bill.  You  couldn't 
possibly  get  in  wrong.  What's  more,  it's  my 
money,  and  I  got  a  right  to  give  it  to  my  wife, 
ain't  I?  Ain't  I  got  a  right  to  give  money  to 
my  own  wife, — or  to  one  of  my  wives,  strictly 
speakin ', — and  to  my  own  children  ?  Ain  't  I  ? " 

"That  isn't  the  point.  I  refuse  to  be  a  party 
to  any  such  game.  We  need  not  discuss  it  any 
farther.  As  I  said  before,  I  haven't  your  roll 
of  bills,  and  if  I  had  it  I—" 

"Oh,  yes,  you  have.  You  got  it  right  up 
there  in  your  apartment.  I  stuck  it  away  be- 
hind a—" 


70  YOLLOP 

'  *  Stop !  Not  another  word,  Cassius.  I  don 't 
want  to  know  where  it  is.  If  you  persist  in 
telling  me,  I'll — I'll  ask  the  judge  to  let  you  off 
with  the  lightest  sentence  he  can — " 

"Oh,  Lord,  you  wouldn't  do  that,  would 
you?" 

' '  Yes,  I  would.  What  do  you  mean  by  secret- 
ing stolen  property  in  my  apartments?" 

1 '  I  didn  't  steal  it.    I  found  it,  I  tell  you. " 

"Bosh!" 

"Hope  I  may  die  if  I  didn't." 

"Well,  it  may  stay  there  till  it  rots,  so  far 
as  I  am  concerned." 

"No  danger  of  that,"  said  Smilk  composedly. 
"A  friend  of  mine  is  comin'  around  some  night 
soon  to  get  it.  What  else  did  she  say!" 

"Eh?" 

"What  else  did  my  wife  say?" 

"Oh!  Well,  among  other  things,  she  won- 
dered if  it  would  be  possible  to  get  an  injunction 
against  the  court  to  prevent  him  from  depriv- 
ing her  of  her  only  means  of  support.  She 
says  everybody  is  getting  injunctions  these 
days  and — " 

"Bosh!"  said  Smilk,  but  not  with  conviction. 
An  anxious,  inquiring  gleam  lurked  in  his  eyes. 

Mr.  Yollop  continued: 

"I  told  her  it  was  ridiculous, — and  it  is. 
Then  she  said  she  was  going  to  see  your  lawyer 


YOLLOP  71 

and  ask  him  to  put  her  on  the  witness  stand 
to  testify  that  you  are  a  good,  loyal,  hard-work- 
ing husband  and  that  your  children  ought  to 
have  a  father's  hand  over  them,  and  a  lot  more 
like  that." 

"She  tried  that  once  before  and  the  court 
wouldn't  let  her  testify,"  said  Smilk.  "But 
anyhow,  I'll  tell  my  lawyer  to  kick  her  out  of 
the  office  if  she  comes  around  there  offering  to 
commit  perjury." 

"I  rather  fancy  she  has  considered  that 
angle,  Cassius.  She  says  if  she  isn't  allowed  to 
testify,  she's  going  to  attempt  suicide  right 
there  in  the  court-room." 

"By  gum,  she's  a  mean  woman,"  groaned 
Smilk. 

"I'm  obliged  to  agree  with  you,"  said  Mr. 
Yollop,  compressing  his  lips  as  a  far-away  look 
came  into  his  eyes.  "If  I  live  to  be  a  thousand 
years  old,  I'll  never  forget  the  way  she  talked 
to  me  when  I  finally  succeeded  in  telling  her  I 
was  busy  >and  she  would  have  to  excuse  me.  It 
was  something  appalling. ' ' 

*  *  Course.  I  suppose  I  got  myself  to  blame, ' ' 
lamented  Cassius  ruefully.  "I  don't  know 
how  many  times  I  come  near  to  doin'  it  and 
didn't  because  I  was  so  darned  chicken- 
hearted.  ' ' 

"I  have  decided,  Cash,  that  you  ought  to  go 


72  YOLLOP 

up  for  life, — or  for  thirty  years,  at  least.  So 
when  I  go  on  the  stand  I  intend  to  do  every- 
thing in  my  power  to  secure  the  maximum  for 
you.  At  first,  I  was  reluctant  to  aid  you  in 
your  efforts  to  lead  a  life  of  ease  and  enjoy- 
ment but  recent  events  have  convinced  me  that 
you  are  entitled  to  all  that  the  law  can  give 
you. " 

"It  won't  do  much  good  if  she's  to  set  there 
in  the  Courtroom,  snivelling  and  lookin '  heart- 
broke,  with  a  pack  of  half-starved  kids  hangin' 
on  to  her.  Like  as  not,  she  won't  give  'em 
anything  to  eat  for  two  or  three  days  so's 
they  '11  look  the  part.  I  remember  two  of  them 
kids  fairly  well.  The  Lord  knows  I  used  to 
take  all  kinds  of  risks  to  provide  clothes  and  all 
sorts  of  luxuries  for  them, — and  for  her  too. 
I  used  to  give  'em  bicycles  and  skates  and  gold 
watches, — yes,  sir,  we  had  Christmas  regularly 
once  a  month.  And  she  never  was  without  fur 
neck-pieces  and  muffs  and  silk  stockings  and 
every  thing.  The  trouble  with  that  woman  is, 
she  can't  stand  poverty.  She  just  keeps  on 
hopin'  for  the  day  to  come  when  she  can  wear 
all  sorts  of  finery  and  jewels  again,  even  if  I 
do  have  to  go  to  the  penitentiary  for  it.  All 
this  comes  of  bein'  too  good  a  provider,  Bill. 
You  spoil  'em." 

Mr.  Yollop  was  thinking,  so  Cassius,  after 


YOLLOP  73 

waiting  a  moment,  scratched  his  head  and  ven- 
tured : 

"That  guy's  beginnin'  to  fidget,  Bill.  I 
guess  your  time's  about  up.  What  are  you 
thinkin'  about?" 

"I  was  thinking  about  your  other  wives. 
How  many  did  you  say  you  have?" 

1 1  Three,  all  told.  The  other  two  don 't  bother 
me  much." 

"Haven't  you  ever  been  divorced  from  any 
of  them?" 

"Not  especially.    Why?" 

"Where  do  the  other  two  live,  and  what  are 
their  names?" 

"Elsie  Morton  and  Jennie  Finch.  I  mean, 
those  are  their  married  names.  I  use  a  differ- 
ent alias  every  time  I  get  married,  you  see. 
Course,  my  first  wife, — the  one  you  met, — her 
name  is  Smilk.  I  married  her  when  I  was 
young  and  not  very  smart.  Elsie  lives  in 
Brooklyn  and  Jennie  keeps  a  delicatessen  up 
on  the  West  Side." 

"Do  they  know  where  you  are?" 

"I  don't  think  so.  I  forgot  to  tell  'em  I  was 
out  on  parole  last  year. ' ' 

"And  they  have  never  been  divorced  from 
you?" 

"No.  They  couldn't  prove  anything  on  me  as 
long  as  I  was  locked  up  in  the  penitentiary." 


74  YOLLOP 

"Does  either  one  of  them  know  about  the 
other  two  7" 

"I  should  say  not!  What  do  you  think  I 
am!" 

"Don't  lose  your  temper,  Cassius.  I  am  try- 
ing to  think  of  some  way  to  help  you, — and  I 
believe  I  see  a  ray  of  hope.  You  were  regularly 
married  to  Elsie  and  Jennie, — I  mean,  by  a 
minister,  and  so  on  ? ' ' 

"Sure.  They  both  got  their  marriage  cer- 
tificates. I  always  believe  in  doin'  things  in 
the  proper  legal  way.  It's  only  fair  and  right. 
They—" 

"Never  mind.    Give  me  their  addresses." 


CHAPTER  FIVE 

THERE  were  quite  a  number  'of  people  in 
the  court  room  when  the  case  of  the  State 
vs.  Smilk  was  called.  It  was  a  bitterly  cold 
day  outside  and  considerable  of  an  overflow 
from  the  corridors  had  seeped  into  the  various 
court  rooms.  But  little  delay  was  experienced 
in  obtaining  a  jury.  The  regular  panel  was 
stuck,  with  a  few  exceptions.  Only  one  member 
was  able  to  declare  that  he  had  formed  an  opin- 
ion, and  he  did  not  form  it  until  after  he  had 
had  a  good  look  at  the  prisoner, — although  he 
did  not  gay  so.  Two  were  challenged  by  coun- 
sel and  one  got  off  because  he  admitted  that  he 
was  acquainted  with  a  man  who  used  to  be 
connected  with  the  District  Attorney's  office, — 
he  couldn't  think  of  his  name. 

Smilk 's  attorney  succeeded  in  executing  a 
very  clever  piece  of  strategy  at  the  outset.  No 
sooner  had  the  jury  been  sworn  than  he  or- 
dered the  bailiffs  to  crowd  three  or  four  more 
chairs  alongside  his  table,  and  then  blandly  in- 
vited a  considerable  portion  of  the  audience 
to  take  their  seats  inside  the  railing.  The  per- 
sons indicated  included  a  tall,  shabbily  dressed 

75 


76  YOLLOP 

woman  and  seven  ragged,  pinched  children, 
ranging  in  years  from  twelve  down  to  three. 
Immediately  the  prosecution  fell  into  the  trap. 
Two  agitated  Assistant  District  Attorneys 
jumped  to  their  feet  and  barked  out  an  objec- 
tion to  the  presence  of  the  accused's  wife  and 
family  on  the  inside  of  the  fence,  and  the  court 
promptly  sustained  them.  He  also  said  scfme 
very  sharp  and  caustic  things  to  Smilk 'e 
lawyer.  Mrs.  Smilk  and  her  bewildered  seven 
patiently  resumed  their  seats  in  the  front  row 
of  spectators,  but  not  until  after  a  four  year 
old  girl,  surreptitiously  pinched,  bad  caused  a 
mild  sensation  by  piping:  "I  want  my 
daddy!  I  want  my  daddy!" 

Smilk  cringed  and  it  was  quite  apparent  to 
close  observers  that  he  was  having  great  diffi- 
culty in  suppressing  his  emotions. 

The  first  witness  for  the  prosecution  was 
Crittenden  Yollop,  milliner,  aged  44.  A  more 
thorough  examination  by  the  State  would  have 
disclosed  the  fact  that  he  was  six  feet  tall, 
spare,  slightly  bald,  beardless,  well-manicured, 
and  faultlessly  attired. 

"State  your  name  and  occupation,  please," 
said  the  State's  attorney,  advancing  a  few 
paces  toward  the  witness  stand. 

"My  name  is  Crittenden  Yollop.  I  am  in 
the  millinery  business." 


YOLLOP  77 

The  State:    " Where  do  you  reside?" 

Yollop:    "418  Sagamore  Terrace. " 

The  State:     "In  an  apartment  1 " 

Yollop:     "A  little  louder,  if  you  please." 

The  State,  raising  its  voice:  "Repeat  the 
question,  Mr.  Stenographer." 

Stenographer,  leaning  forward  a  little:  "  'In 
an  apartment!  '  " 

Yollop:     "Yes." 

The  State :  * '  Were  you  living  in  this  apart- 
ment on  the  18th  of  December,  1919?" 

Yollop:     "I  was." 

The  State:  "Was  that  apartment  entered 
by  a  burglar  on  the  date  mentioned  f ' ' 

Yollop:     "It  was." 

The  State,  casually:  "Will  you  be  so  good 
as  to  glance  around  the  court  room  and  state 
whether  you  see  and  recognize  the  man  who 
entered  and  robbed  your  apartment?" 

Yollop,  pointing :     *  *  Yes.     That  is  the  man.  ' ' 

The  State:     "You  are  sure  about  that?" 

Yollop:     "I  beg  pardon?" 

The  State,  patiently:  "Repeat  the  question, 
Mr.  Stenographer. ' ' 

Stenographer,  patiently:  "  'You  are  sure 
about  that?  '  " 

Yollop:     "Certainly." 

The  State:  "Now,  Mr.  Yollop,  I'm  going  to 
ask  you  to  tell  the  jury,  in  your  own  words, 


78  YOLLOP 

exactly  what  occurred  in  your  apartment  on  the 
morning  of  December  18th.  Speak  slowly  and 
distinctly,  and  face  the  jury." 

Mr.  Yollop,  assisted  to  some  extent  by  the 
gentleman  conducting  the  examination,  related 
the  story  of  the  crime,  dwelling  with  special 
earnestness  upon  the  dastardly,  brutal  manner 
in  which  Smilk  forced  him,  at  the  point  of  a  re- 
volver to  bind  -and  gag  and  otherwise  maltreat 
the  woman  who  had  befriended  him  and  whose 
jewels  he  was  preparing  to  make  off  with  when 
the  police  arrived.  He  carefully  avoided  any 
allusion  to  certain  portions  of  the  lengthy  and 
illuminating  dialogue  that  had  taken  place  be- 
tween him  and  Smilk;  he  said  nothing  of  the 
unexampled  behavior  of  the  intruder  in  tele- 
phoning for  the  police,  or  the  kindness  revealed 
by  him  in  suggesting  a  means  for  getting  his 
captor's  feet  warm. 

Smilk 's  lawyer,  at  the  very  outset  of  the 
cross-examination,  clarified  the  air  as  to  the 
nature  of  the  defense  he  was  going  to  put  up 
for  his  client.  After  a  few  preliminary  ques- 
tions, he  demanded  sharply: 

1  'Now,  Mr.  Yollop,  didn't  this  defendant 
state  to  you  that  he  had  been  unable  to  get 
work  and  that  his  wife  and  family  were  in  such 
desperate  straits  that  he  was  forced  to  commit 


YOLLOP  79 

a  crime  against  the  State  in  order  to  preserve 
them  from  actual  starvation?'* 

Yollop:     " He  did  not." 

Counsel:  "You  are  quite  positive  about 
that,  are  you  ? ' ' 

Yollop:    "Yes." 

Counsel:  "Did  he,  at  the  time  appear  to  be 
a  robust,  well-conditioned  man, — that  is  to  say, 
a  man  who  looked  strong  enough  to  work  and 
who  had  had  sufficient  nourishment  to  keep  his 
body  and  soul  together?" 

Yollop:     "He  certainly  did." 

Counsel:  "A  big,  rugged,  healthy,  desper- 
ate fellow,  you  would  say?" 

Yollop:    "Yes." 

Counsel :    ' '  Armed  with  a  loaded  revolver  ? ' ' 

Yollop:     "Yes." 

Counsel:  "You  would  say  that  he  was  big 
enough  and  strong  enough  to  pull  a  trigger, 
wouldn't  you?" 

Yollop:  "I  can't  answer  that  question.  I 
don't  know  how  much  strength  it  requires  to 
pull  a  trigger." 

Counsel:  "Ahem!  At  any  rate,  he  looked 
as  though  he  was  strong  enough  to  pull  a 
trigger?" 

Yollop:  "I  dare  say  he  could  have  pulled 
it." 


80  YOLLOP 

Counsel:  "And  yet  you  would  have  the 
jury  believe  that  this  big,  strong,  well-nour- 
ished man,  permitted  you —  By  the  by,  how 
much  do  you  weigh,  Mr.  Yollop?" 

Yollop :    *  *  About  145  pounds,  in  my  clothes. ' ' 

Counsel:  "You  are  six  feet  tall,  I  should 
say?" 

Yollop:    "Lacking  a  quarter  of  <an  inch." 

Counsel:  "Ahem!  As  I  was  saying,  this 
strong,  desperate  man,  armed  with  a  revolver, 
allowed  you  to  walk  across  the  room  and  strike 
him  in  the  face,  causing  him  to  crumple  up 
and  fall  to  the  floor  as  if  struck  by  a — 
well,  someone  like  Jack  Dempsey.  Isn't  that 
so?" 

Yollop:  "I  never  was  so  surprised  in  my 
life." 

Counsel,  thunderously:  "Answer  my  ques- 
tion!" 

Yollop :     ' '  Well,  I  hit  him  and  he  fell. ' ' 

Counsel:  "Do  you  regard  yourself  as  an 
experienced  boxer?" 

Yollop:    "No,  I  don't." 

Counsel:  "Are  you  what  may  be  termed  a 
powerful  man,  able  to  strike  a  powerful  blow 
with  the  fist?" 

Yollop:  "I  don't  know.  The  defendant  can 
answer  that  question  better  than  I  can." 

Counsel,    to    the    court:    "Your    honor,    I 


YOLLOP  81 

appeal  to  you  to  direct  this  witness  to  answer 
my  questions — " 

The  Court:  "Confine  your  answers  to  the 
questions  as  they  are  put  to  you,  Mr.  Witness." 

Counsel  to  Yollop:  "Now  see  if  you  can 
answer  this  question,  Mr.  Yollop.  You  have 
described  in  direct  examination  that  this  de- 
fendant was  a  big,  burly,  rough  looking  man. 
You  say  you  were  surprised  when  he  went  down 
under  your  inexpert  blow.  Why  were  you 
surprised  ? ' ' 

Yollop:  "I  was  surprised  to  find  how  easy 
it  is  to  knock  a  man  down. ' ' 

Counsel.  ' '  I  see.  You  had  never  knocked  a 
man  down  before.  Is  that  so  f " 

Yollop :  "I  had  never  even  struck  a  man  be- 
fore." 

Counsel:  "And  yet  you  found  it  singularly 
easy  to  deliver  a  blow  on  the  jaw  of  an  armed 
man  with  sufficient  force  to  knock  him  down?" 

Yollop:  "I  can  only  ansver  that  question 
by  saying  that  he  went  down  when  I  struck 
him.  I  don't  know  how  hard  or  how  easy  it 
is  to  knock  a  man  down." 

Counsel:  "But  you  admit  you  were  sur- 
prised?" 

Yollop:     "Yes.    I  was  surprised." 

Counsel,  shaking  his  finger  and  speaking 
with  something  like  malevolence  in  his  voice 


82  YOLLOP 

\ 

and  manner:  "Don't  you  know,  Mr.  Yollop, 
that  this  man  was  so  exhausted  from  lack  of 
food  that  he  was  not  only  unable  to  defend 
himself  from  your  assault  but  that  the  weakest 
blow — or  even  a  gentle  push  with  the  open 
hand, — would  have  sent  him  sprawling?" 

Yollop:  "I  don't  know  anything  about 
that." 

Counsel:  " Wasn't  he  so  weak  that  he  could 
hardly  walk  across  the  room  after  he  arose?" 

Yollop:  "Possibly.  He  was  not  too  weak, 
however,  to  climb  up  two  floors  on  a  fire  escape 
and  pry  open  my  window  before  I, — " 

Counsel:  "Now, — now, — now!  Please  an- 
swer my  question?" 

Yollop:  "He  complained  of  being  dizzy. 
He  held  his  hand  to  his  jaw.  That's  all  I  can 
say." 

Counsel:  "You  were  pointing  the  revolver 
at  him  all  the  time,  you  have  testified.  Is  that 
true!" 

Yollop:    "Yes." 

Counsel:  "If  he  had  made  an  attempt  to 
attack  you,  you  would  have  shot  him,  wouldn't 
you!" 

Yollop:  "I  would  have  shot  at  him,  I  sup- 
pose." 

Counsel,  slowly,  distinctly,  dramatically:  "In 
other  words,  you  would  have  been  strong 


YOLLOP  83 

enough  to  do  the  thing  that  he  was  unable  to 
do, — pull  a  trigger." 

Yollop:  "I  haven't  said  he  was  unable  to 
pull  a  trigger. ' ' 

Counsel:     " Answer  my  question!" 

The  State,  bouncing  up:  "We  object  to  this 
question.  It  calls  for  a  conclusion  on  the  part 
of  the  witness  that — " 

The  Court:    " Objection  sustained." 

Counsel,  glaring:  "Exception."  Then, 
after  mopping  his  brow  and  consulting  his 
notes:  "Now,  Mr.  Yollop,  you  say  you  con- 
versed with  this  defendant  at  some  length  while 
waiting  for  the  police  to  arrive.  Have  you  any 
recollection  of  this  defendant  telling  you  that 
he  was  driven  to  theft  because  he  had  been  out 
of  work  for  nearly  three  months'?" 

Yollop:     "No." 

Counsel:  "Didn't  he  say  something  of  the 
kind  to  you?" 

Yollop:  "He  didn't  say  he  had  been  out  of 
work  for  three  months." 

Counsel,    patiently:    "Well,    what    did    he 


Yollop:  "He  said  he  had  been  out  of  jail 
for  three  months. ' ' 

Counsel,  suddenly  referring  to  his  notes 
again:  "Er — ahem! — By  the  way,  Mr.  Yol- 
lop, you  don't  hear  very  well,  do  you?" 


84  YOLLOP 

Yollop:    "I  am  quite  deaf." 

Counsel :  ' '  He  might  have  said  a  great  many 
things  that  you  failed  to  hear, — especially  if 
his  voice  was  weak?" 

Yollop :     "I  dare  say  he  did. ' ' 

Counsel,  lifting  his  eyebrows  significantly 
and  nodding  his  head:  "Ah-h-h!  Didn't  he 
tell  you  that  he  had  a  wife  and  several  chil- 
dren?" 

Yollop:  "I  don't  recall  that  he  said  any- 
thing about  several  children.  He  said  he  had 
several  wives." 

Counsel,  startled:    " What's  that!" 

A  bailiff,  harshly  addressing  a  woman  in  the 
front  row  of  spectators:  " Order!  Order!" 

The  Woman  in  the  front  row:  "The  dirty 
liar!" 

The  State,  sticking  its  hands  in  its  pockets 
and  strutting  to  and  fro,  smiling  loftily :  ' '  Re- 
peat the  answer  for  the  gentleman,  Mr.  Repor- 
ter." 

Counsel:  "Never  mind, — never  mind.  I 
move  that  the  answer  be  stricken  out,  your 
honor,  and  that  you  instruct  the  jury  to  disre- 
gard the  supposedly  facetious  reply  of  the  wit- 
ness. ' ' 

The  Court,  to  Mr.  Yollop:  "Did  this  defen- 
dant say  to  you  that  he  had  several  wives?" 

Yollop,  looking  blandly  at  the  jury  until  con- 


YOLLOP  85 

vinced  by  twelve  expressions  and  the  direction 
in  which  twenty  four  eyes  were  gazing  that  the 
court  had  spoken :  "I  beg  pardon,  your  honor. 
Were  you  speaking  to  me  ?  ' ' 

The  Court,  raising  his  voice:  "Did  he  tell 
you  that  he  had  several  wives'?" 

Yollop:    "He  did." 

The  Court :    1 1  Motion  overruled.    Proceed. ' ' 

Counsel:    "Exception.    Now,  Mr. " 

Child  in  the  front  row,  still  gazing  intently  at 
a  very  baldheaded  man  on  the  opposite  side  of 
the  aisle:  "I  want  my  daddy!  I  want — " 

The  Court:  "You  must  remove  that  child 
from  the  court  room,  madam.  Officer,  see  that 
that  child  is  removed.  Remove  all  of  them. 
You  may  remain  here,  madam,  if  you  choose  to 
do  so,  but  the  court  cannot  allow  this  trial  to 
be—" 

The  Woman  in  the  front  row :  ' '  Please,  your 
honor,  if  you  will  let  me  keep  them  here  I'll 
promise  to — " 

The  Court:  "Officer,  remove  those  children 
at  once." 

The  Woman:  "And  what's  more,  he  tells  a 
dirty  lie  when  he  says — " 

The  Court:  "Silence!  You  will  have  to 
leave  the  room  also,  madam.  This  is  outra- 
geous. Officer ! ' ? 

The  State,  magnanimously:    "May  it  please 


86  YOLLOP 

the  court,  the  State  has  not  the  slightest  objec- 
tion to  the  lady  and  her  children  remaining  in 
the  court  room,  provided  they  do  not  interrupt 
these  proceedings  again." 

The  Court,  melting  a  little:  "Do  you  think 
you  can  keep  those  children  quiet,  madam,  and 
refrain  from  audible  comments  yourself?" 

The  Woman:    "Yes,  sir.    I'm  sure  I  can." 

The  Court :  "It  is  not  my  desire  to  be  harsh 
with  you,  madam,  but  if  this  occurs  again  I 
shall  have  you  ejected  from  the  room.  Pro- 
ceed. ' ' 

Counsel:  "Now,  Mr.  Yollop,  you  have  testi- 
fied that  you  bound  and  gagged  your  sister  at 
the  direction  and  command  of  this  defendant 
and  that  he  rifled  the  apartment  at  will,  keeping 
you  covered  with  a  revolver.  You  also  have 
stated  that  you  laid  the  pistol  on  the  desk,  with- 
in his  reach,  when  you  believed  the  police  to  be 
at  the  door.  Why,  did  you  do  that?" 

Yollop:  "Because  I  did  not  think  that  I 
needed  it  any  longer." 

Counsel,  sarcastically:  "Oho!  so  that  was 
the  reason,  eh?" 

Yollop:  "Well,  I  was  glad  to  be  rid  of  it. 
I  was  dreading  all  the  time  that  it  might  go  off 
accidentally.  They  frequently  do." 

Counsel:  "I  see.  Now,  isn't  it  a  fact,  Mr. 
Yollop,  that  you  laid  the  revolver  down  to  go  to 


YOLLOP  87 

the  assistance  of  this  defendant  who  was  in  a 
fainting  condition  ? ' ' 

Yollop:    "No,  it  isn't.    He  was  all  right." 

Counsel:  "Don't  you  know  that  you  laid  it 
down  because  you  were  convinced  in  you  own 
mind  that  he  was  physically  unable  to  take  ad- 
vantage of  it?  That  he  was  in  no  condition  to 
use  it?" 

Yollop:    "No." 

Counsel,  with  a  pitying  look  at  the  jury: 
"He  was  still  the  big,  strong,  able-bodied  man 
that  you  had  knocked  down  with  your  brawny 
fist,  eh?" 

Yollop,  mildly:  "He  may  have  been  a  little 
sleepy.  I  was." 

A  Bailiff:     "Order!     Order!" 

Counsel,  severely:  "Now,  Mr.  Yollop,  will 
you  tell  this  jury  why,  after  you  had  found  it 
so  simple  to  knock  the  defendant  down  and  dis- 
arm him  earlier  in  the  evening,  you  failed  to 
repeat  the  experiment  when  he  had  you  cov- 
ered the  second  time?" 

Yollop :  l '  The  first  time  I  acted  on  the  spur 
of  the  moment,  and  under  stress  of  great  excite- 
ment. I  had  had  time  to  collect  my  wits  by  the 
time  he  gained  possession  of  the  revolver.  I 
wasn't  as  foolhardy  as  I  was  at  the  beginning. 
I  was  afraid  he  would  shoot  me  if  I  tackled 
him  again." 


88  YOLLOP 

Counsel:  "Isn't  it  a  fact  that  he  appeared 
much  stronger  and  not  so  weak  and  listless  as 
when  you  first  encountered  him?" 

Yollop:  "I  didn't  notice  any  change  in 
him." 

Counsel:  "Didn't  you  testify  awhile  ago 
that  while  he  was  sitting  at  your  desk,  under 
cover  of  the  gun,  he  ate  a  whole  box  of  chocolate 
creams, — at  your  generous  invitation?" 

Yollop :    "Yes.    He  ate  them,  all  right. ' ' 

Counsel:  "Wouldn't  you,  as  an  intelligent 
man,  assume  that  a  pound  of  chocolates  might 
have  the  effect  of  restoring  to  a  half-starved 
man  a  portion  of  his  waning  strength, — at  least 
a  sufficient  amount  to  encourage  him  to  put  up 
some  kind  of  a  fight  against  you!" 

The  State:  "We  object.  The  question  calls 
for  a  conclusion  on  the  part  of  the  witness,  who 
does  not  even  pretend  to  be  an  expert  or  an 
authority  on  pathological — " 

Counsel:  "But  he  does  pretend  to  be  an  in- 
telligent man,  doesn't  he?  I  submit,  your 
honor,  that  the  question  is  proper  and  I — " 

The  Court:  "Objection  sustained.  The 
witness  may  state  that  the  defendant  ate  a  box 
of  chocolate  creams.  He  cannot  give  an  opin- 
ion as  to  the  effect  the  chocolates  may  or  may 
not  have  had  on  him." 

Counsel:    "Exception." 


YOLLOP  89 

Mr.  Yollop  was  on  the  stand  for  half  an  hour 
longer.  Counsel  for  the  defense  was  driving 
home  to  the  jury  the  impression  that  Smilk  was 
a  poor,  half-starved  wretch  who  had  gone  back 
to  thieving  after  a  valiant  but  hopeless  attempt 
to  find  work  in  order  to  support  his  wife  and 
children.  He  announced,  in  arguing  an  objec- 
tion made  by  the  State,  that  it  was  his  inten- 
tion to  prove  by  the  man's  wife  that  Smilk  was 
a  good  husband  and  was  willing  to  work  his 
fingers  off  for  his  family,  but  that  he  had  been 
ill  and  unable  to  find  steady  employment. 

Mrs.  Champney  testified  at  the  afternoon 
session.  <She  made  a  most  unfavorable  im- 
pression on  the  jury.  She  got  very  angry  at 
Smilk 's  counsel  and  said  such  spiteful  things 
to  him  and  about  his  client  that  the  jury  began 
to  feel  sorry  for  both  of  them. 

Two  detectives  and  three  policemen  in  uni- 
form testified  that  Smilk  was  the  picture  of 
health  and  a  desperate-looking  character.  Now 
anybody  who  has  ever  served  on  a  jury  in  a 
criminal  case  knows  the  effect  that  the  testi- 
mony of  a  police  officer  has  on  three  fourths — 
and  frequently  four  fourths, — of  the  jurors. 
For  some  unexplained, — though  perhaps  ob- 
vious reason, — the  ordinary  juror  not  only 
hates  a  policeman  but  refuses  to  believe  him  on 
oath  unless  he  is  supported  by  evidence  of  the 


90  YOLLOP 

most  unassailable  nature.  The  mere  fact  that 
the  five  officers  swore  that  Smilk  was  healthy 
and  rugged  no  doubt  went  a  long  way  toward 
convincing  the  jury  that  the  poor  fellow  was  a 
physical  wreck  and  absolutely  unable  to  defend 
himself  on  the  night  of  the  alleged  burglary. 

Moreover,  a  skilled  mind-reader  would  have 
discovered  that  Mr.  Yollop  had  not  made  a  good 
impression  on  the  jury.  Almost  to  a  man,  they 
discredited  him  because  he  was  fastidious  in 
appearance ;  because  he  was  known  to  be  a  suc- 
cessful and  prosperous  business  man;  because 
he  was  trying  to  make  them  believe  that  he 
possessed  the  unheard-of  courage  to  tackle  an 
armed  burglar;  and  because  he  was  a  milliner. 
As  for  Mrs.  Champney,  she  was  the  embodi- 
ment of  all  that  the  average  citizen  resents:  a 
combination  of  wealth,  refinement,  intelligence, 
arrogance  and  widowhood.  Especially  does 
he  resent  opulent  widowhood. 

The  State  rested.  Mrs.  Smilk  was  the  first 
witness  called  by  the  defense.  She  told  a 
harrowing  tale  of  Smilk 's  unparalleled  efforts 
to  obtain  work;  of  his  heart-breaking  disap- 
pointments; of  her  own  loyal  and  cheerful 
struggle  to  provide  for  the  children, — and  for 
her  poor  sick  husband, — by  slaving  herself  al- 
most to  death  at  all  sorts  of  jobs.  Futhennore, 


YOLLOP  91 

she  was  .positive  that  poor  Cassius  had  re- 
formed, that  he  was  determined  to  lead  an  hon- 
est, upright  life;  all  he  needed  was  encourage- 
ment and  the  opportunity  to  show  his  worth. 
True,  he  had  been  in  State's  Prison  twice,  but 
in  both  instances  it  was  the  result  of  strong 
drink.  Now  that  prohibition  had  come  and  he 
could  no  longer  be  subjected  to  the  evils  and 
temptations  of  that  'accursed  thing  generically 
known  as  rum,  he  was  sure  to  be  a  model  citizen 
and  husband.  In  fact,  she  declared,  a  friend 
of  the  family, — a  man  very  high  up  in  city  poli- 
tics,— had  promised  to  secure  for  Cassius  an 
appointment  as  an  enforcement  officer  in  the 
great  war  that  was  being  waged  against  prohi- 
bition. This  seemed  to  make  such  a  hit  with 
the  jury  that  Smilk's  lawyer  shrewdly  decided 
not  to  press  her  to  alter  the  preposition. 

The  cross-examination  was  brief. 

The  State:  "How  many  children  have  you, 
Mrs.  Smilk?" 

Mrs.  Smilk:     " Seven." 

The  'State:  "The  defendant  is  the  father 
of  all  of  them?" 

Mrs.  Smilk,  with  dignity:  "Are  you  tryin' 
to  insinuate  that  he  ain't?" 

The  State:  "Not  at  all.  Answer  the  ques- 
tion, please." 


92  YOLLOP 

Mrs.  Smilk:    "Yes,  he  is." 

The  -State:  "When  did  you  say  you  were 
married  to  the  defendant?" 

Mrs.  Smilk :  ' '  October,  1906.  I  got  my  cer- 
tificate here  with  me,  if  you  want  to  see  it. ' ' 

The  State:    "I  would  like  to  see  it." 

Counsel  for  Smilk,  benignly:  "The  defense 
has  no  objection." 

The  State,  after  examining  the  document: 
"It  is  quite  regular.  With  the  court's  per- 
mission, I  will  submit  the  document  to  the 
jury." 

The  Court,  to  Smilk 's  counsel:  "Do  you 
desire  to  offer  this  document  in  evidence?" 

Counsel:  "It  had  not  occurred  to  us  that 
it  was  necessary,  but  now  that  a  point  is  being 
made  of  it,  I  will  ask  that  it  be  introduced  as 
evidence." 

The  State,  passing  the  certificate  to  the  court 
reporter  for  his  identification  mark:  "You 
have  never  been  divorced  from  the  defendant, 
have  you,  Mrs.  Smilk!" 

Mrs.  Smilk:  "Of  course  not."  Then  nerv- 
ously: "Excuse  me,  but  do  I  get  my  marriage 
certificate  back  ?  It 's  the  only  hold  I  got  on — " 

Counsel,  hastily:  "Certainly,  certainly,  Mrs. 
Smilk.  You  need  have  no  worry.  It  will  be 
returned  to  you  in  due  time." 

The  (State,  after  reading  the  certificate  aloud, 


YOLLOP  93 

hands  it  to  the  foreman,  and  says:  "The 
State  admits  the  validity  of  this  certificate. 
There  can  be  no  question  about  it."  Leans 
against  the  table  and  patiently  waits  until  the 
document  has  made  the  rounds.  "Now,,  Mrs. 
Similk,  you  are  sure  that  you  have  not  been 
divorced  from  'Smilk  nor  he  from  you?" 

Mrs.  Smilk,  stoutly;  "Course  I'm 
sure." 

The  'State:  "You  heard  Mr.  Yollop  testify 
that  your  husband  said  he  had  several  wives. 
So  far  as  you  know  that  is  not  the  case?" 

Mrs.  Smilk.  "I  don't  think  he  ever  said  it 
to  Mr.  Yollop.  I  think  Mr.  Yollop  lied." 

The  State:  "I  see.  Then  you  do  not  be- 
lieve your  husband  could  have  deceived  you — 
I  withdraw  that,  Mr.  Reporter.  You  do  not  be- 
lieve that  your  husband  is  base  enough  to  have 
married  another  woman, — or  women, — with- 
out first  having  obtained  a  legal  divorce  from 
you?" 

Mrs.  Smilk :  "I  wouldn't  be  up  here  testify- 
ing in  his  behalf  if  I  thought  that,  you  bet. 
He  ain't  that  kind  of  a  man.  If  I  thought  he 
was,  I'd  like  to  see  him  hung.  I'd  like  to 
see—" 

The  State.  "Never  mind,  Mrs.  Smilk.  We 
are  not  trying  your  husband  for  bigamy.  I 
think  that  is  all,  your  honor." 


94  YOLLOP 

Counsel  for  iSmilk:  "You  may  be  excused, 
Mrs.  Smilk.  Take  the  stand,  Cassius." 

Instead  of  obeying  Cassius  beckoned  to  him. 
Then  followed  a  long,  whispered  conference 
between  lawyer  and  client,  at  the  end  of  which 
the  former,  visibly  annoyed,  declared  that  the 
defendant  had  decided  not  to  testify.  The 
Court  indicated  that  it  was  optional  with  the 
prisoner  and  asked  if  the  counsel  desired  to  in- 
troduce any  further  testimony.  Counsel  for 
the  defense  announced  that  his  client's  decision 
had  altered  his  plans  and  that  he  was  forced  to 
rest  his  case.  The  Assistant  District  Attorney 
stated  that  he  had  two  witnesses  to  examine 
in  rebuttal. 

"Send  for  Mrs.  Elsie  Morton,"  he  directed. 
"She  is  waiting  in  the  District  Attorney's 
office,  Mr.  Bailiff." 

To  the  amazement  of  every  one,  Cassius 
Smilk  started  up  from  his  chair,,  a  wild  look  in 
his  eye.  He  sat  down  instantly,  however,  but 
it  was  evident  that  he  had  sustained  a  tremen- 
dous and  unexpected  shock.  Mr.  Yollop  who 
had  purposely  selected  a  seat  in  the  front  row 
of  spectators  from  which  he  could  occasionally 
exchange  mutual  glances  of  well-assumed  re- 
pugnance with  the  rascal,  caught  Smilk 's  eye 
as  it  followed  the  retiring  bailiff.  The  faint- 
est shadow  of  a  wink  nickered  for  a  second 


YOLLOP  95 

across  that  smileless,  apparently  troubled  optic. 
'Mr .  Yollop,  who  had  been  leaning  forward  in 
his  chair  for  the  better  part  of  the  afternoon 
with  one  hand  cupped  behind  his  ear  and  the 
other  manipulating  the  disc  in  a  vain  but  deter- 
mined effort  to  hear  what  was  going  on,  sud- 
denly relaxed  into  a  comfortable,  satisfied  atti- 
tude and  smiled  triumphantly.  He  knew  what 
was  coming.  And  so  did  Smilk. 

Mrs.  Morton  was  a  plump,  bobbed-hair  blond 
of  thirty.  She  had  moist  carmine  lips,  a  very 
white  nose,  strawberry-hued  cheek  bones,  an 
alabaster  chin  and  forehead,  and  pale,  gray 
eyes  .surrounded  by  blue-black  rims  tinged  with 
crimson.  She  wore  a  fashionable  hat, —  (Mr. 
Yollop  noticed  that  at  a  glance) — a  handsome 
'greenish  cloth  coat  with  a  broad  moleskin  collar 
and  cuffs  of  the  same  fur,  pearl  gray  stockings 
that  were  visible  to  the  knees,  and  high  gray 
shoes  that  yawned  rather  shamelessly  at  the 
top  despite  the  wearer's  doughtiest  struggle 
with  the  laces.  Her  gloves,  also  were  some- 
what over-crowded.  'She  gave  her  name  as 
Mrs.  Elsie  Broderick  Morton,,  married;  occu- 
pation, ticket  seller  in  a  motion  picture  theater. 

The  State:  "What  is  your  husband 's .name 
and  occupation?" 

Witness:  "Filbert  Morton.  So  far  as  I 
know,  he  never  had  a  regular  occupation. ' ' 


96  YOLLOP 

The  State:  "When  were  you  and  Filbert 
Morton  married?" 

Witness:    "June  the  fourteenth,  1916." 

The  State:  "Are  you  living  with  your  hus- 
band at  present!" 

Witness:     "I  am  not." 

The  State:  "Have  you  ever  been  divorced 
from  him?" 

Witness:    "I  have  not." 

The  State:  "How  long  is  it  since  you  and 
he  lived  together?" 

Witness:    "A  little  over  three  years." 

The  State:  "Would  you  recognize  him  if 
you  were  to  see  him  now?" 

Witness:    "I  certainly  would." 

The  State:    "When  did  you  see  him  last?" 

Witness:    "Day  before  yesterday." 

The  State:  "Tell  the  jury  where  you  saw 
him." 

Witness:    "Over  in  the  Tombs." 

The  State:     "Surreptitiously?" 

Witness:    "No,  sir.    With  my  own  eyes." 

The  State:  "I  mean,  you  saw  him  without 
his  being  aware  of  the  fact  that  you  were  look- 
ing at  him  for  the  purpose  of  identifica- 
tion?" 

Witness.    "Yes,  sir." 

The  State:  "I  will  now  ask  you  to  look 
about  this  court  room  and  tell  the  jury  whether 


YOLLOP  97 

you  see  the  man  known  to  you  as  Filbert 
Morton?" 

Witness,  pointing  to  Smilk:  " That's  him 
over  there. ' ' 

The  State:  "You  mean  the  prisoner  at  the 
bar,  otherwise  known  as  Cassius  iSmilk?" 

Witness.    "Yes,  sir.    That's  my  husband." 

The  State:    "You  are  sure  about  that?" 

Witness:  "Of  course,  I  am.  I  wouldn't  be 
likely  to  make  any  mistake  about  a  man  I'd 
lived  with  for  nearly  six  months,  would  I? 
I  've  got  my  marriage  certificate  here  with  me, 
if  you  want  to  see  it." 

Mrs.  Smilk,  in  the  first  row,  venomously 
addressing  Mr.  Smilk:  "'So  that's  what  you 
was  up  to  when  you  was  out  for  six  months  and 
never  come  near  me  once,  you  dirty — " 

All  bailiffs  in  unison:  "Silence!  Order  in 
the  court ! ' ' 

The  State,  presently:  "Was  he  a  good, 
kind,  devoted  husband  to  you,  Mrs.  Morton?" 

Witness :  * '  Well,  if  you  mean  did  he  provide 
me  with  clothes  and  jewels  and  gewgaws  and 
all  such,  yes.  He  was  always  bringing  me 
home  rings  and  bracelets  and  necklaces  and 
things.  But  if  you  mean  did  he  ever  give  me 
any  money  to  buy  food  with  and  keep  the  flat 
going,  no.  I  slaved  my  head  off  to  get  grub  for 
him  all  the  time  we  were  living  together. ' ' 


98  YOLLOE 

The  State :     *  *  Did  he  ever  mistreat  you  I '  ' 
Witness:     "Oh,  once  in  a  while  he  used  to 
give  me  a  rap  in  the  eye,  or  a  kick  in  the  slats, 
or  something  like  that,  but  on  the  whole  he  was 
pretty  sensible." 

The  State:    "Sensible?    .In  what  way?" 
Witness:     "I  mean  he  was  sensible  enough 
not  to  punch  his  meal  ticket  too  often. ' ' 

It  is  not  necessary  to  go  any  farther  into  the 
direct  examination  of  Mrs.  Elsie  Morton,  nor 
into  the  half-hearted  efforts  of  Smilk's  disgus- 
ted lawyer  to  shake  her  in  cross-examination. 
Nor  is  it  necessary  to  introduce  here  the  testi- 
mony of  Mrs.  Jennie  Finchley,  who  succeeded 
her  on  the  stand.  It  appears  that  Jennie  was 
married  in  1914  when  Smilk  was  out  for  three 
months.  She  supported  him  for  several  months 
in  1916, — up  to  the  time  he  packed  up  and  left 
her  on  the  morning  of  the  fourteenth  of  June, 
that  year.  As  Herbert  Finchley  he  not  only 
managed  to  live  comfortably  off  the  proceeds 
of  her  delicatessen,  but  in  leaving  her  he  took 
with  him  nine  hundred  dollars  that  she  had 
saved  out  of  the  business  despite  his  gormand- 
izing. 


CHAPTER  SIX 

DESPITE  the  fact  that  the  jury  was  out 
just  a  few  minutes  short  of  seven  hours, 
it  finally  came  in  with  a  verdict  ''guilty  as 
charged.'7  Twice  the  devoted  twelve  returned 
to  the  court  room  for  further  instructions  from 
the  judge.  Once  they  wanted  to  know  if  it  was 
possible  to  convict  the  prisoner  for  bigamy  in- 
stead of  burglary,  and  the  other  time  it  was  to 
have  certain  portions  of  Mr.  Yollop  's  testimony 
read  to  them.  Immediately  upon  retiring  an 
amicable  and  friendly  discussion  took  place  in 
the  crowded,  stuffy  little  jury  room.  Eight 
men  lighted  black  cigars,  two  lighted  their 
pipes,  one  joyously,  almost  ravenously  resorted 
to  a  package  of  "Lucky  Strikes,"  while  the 
twelfth  man  announced  that  he  did  not  smoke. 
He  had  been  obliged  to  give  it  up  because  of 
blood  pressure  or  something  like  that. 

The  foreman,  or  Juror  No.  1,  was  an  insur- 
ance agent.  He  was  a  man  of  fifty  and  he  knew 
how  to  talk.  His  voice  was  loud,  firm,  overrid- 
ing and  unconquerable;  his  manner  suave,  tol- 
erant, persuasive.  The  bailiff,  after  obtaining 
each  man's  telephone  number  and  the  message 

99 


100  YOLLOP 

he  wished  to  have  sent  to  his  home  (if  any), 
informed  the  jurors  that  he  would  be  waiting 
just  outside  if  they  wanted  him  and  then  de- 
parted, locking  the  door  behind  him;  where- 
upon the  foreman  looked  at  his  watch  and 
announced  that  it  was  twenty  minutes  to  four. 
This  statement  resulted  in  the  first  disagree- 
ment. No  two  watches  were  alike.  Some  little 
time  was  consumed  in  proving  that  all  twelve  of 
them  were  right  and  at  the  same  time  wrong, 
paradoxical  as  it  may  sound.  After  the  ques- 
tion of  the  hour  had  been  disposed  of,  the  fore- 
man suggested  that  an  informal  ballot  be  taken 
for  the  purpose  of  ascertaining  the  views  of 
the  gentlemen  as  to  the  guilt  or  the  innocence 
of  the  defendant.  The  result  of  this  so-called 
informal  ballot  was  nine  for  conviction,  three 
for  acquittal. 

"Now  we  know  where  we  stand,"  explained 
the  foreman.  "In  view  of  the  fact  that  nine 
of  us  are  for  conviction  and  only  three  for  ac- 
quittal it  seems  to  me  that  it  is  up  to  the  minor- 
ity to  give  their  reasons  for  not  agreeing  with 
the  majority.  I  see  by  your  ballot,  Mr. — er 
— Mr.  Sandusky,  that  you  are  in  favor  of  ac- 
quitting— " 

"My  name  is  I.  M.  -Pushkin,"  interrupted 
Juror  No.  7.  "I  wrote  it  plain  enough,  didn't 
I?" 


YOLLOP  101 

"The  initials  confused  me,"  explained  the 
foreman.  "Well,  let's  hear  why  you  think  he 
ought  to  be  acquitted." 

"I  know  what  it  is  to  be  hungry,  that's  why. 
I  see  the  time  when  I  first  come  to  this  country 
when  I  didn't  have  nothing  to  eat  for  two- 
three  days  at  a  time,  and  ever 'body  tellin'  me 
to  go  to  hell  out  of  here  when  I  ask  for  a  job  or 
when  I  tell  'em  I  am 't  had  nothing  to  eat  since 
yesterday  morning  and  won't  they  please  to 
help  a  poor  feller  what  ain't  had  nothing  to 
eat  since  yesterday  morning,  and — " 

Six  or  seven  voices  interrupted  him.  It  was 
Juror  No.  4,  salesman,  who  finally  succeeded 
in  getting  a  detached  question  to  him. 

"As  I  was  saying,  where  do  you  get  any  evi- 
dence that  he  was  hungry?" 

"I  guess  you  wasn't  paying  much  attention 
to  the  evidence,"  retorted  Mr.  Pushkin. 
"Didn't  you  hear  that  lawyer  say,  over  and 
over  yet,  how  he  was  almost  starved  to  death? 
Didn't —  Wait  a  minute!  — didn't  you  hear 
him  say  to  that  deaf  witness  that  the  prisoner 
fell  down  like  a  log  when  he  push  him  in  the 
face?  Just  push  him, — nothing  else.  Didn't 
you  hear  that?" 

"Sure  I  heard  it.  We  all  heard  it.  But 
what  evidence  is  there  ? ' ' 

'  *  Evidence  ?    My  gracious,  ain  't  that  enough  ? 


102  YOLLOP 

Ain't  one  man's  word  as  good  as  another's? 
And  say,  let  me  ask  you  this :  Is  there  any  evi- 
dence that  he  wasn't  almost  starved  to  death? 
Well!  Humph!  I  guess  not.  There  ain't  a 
single  witness  that  says  he  wasn't  hungry — 
not  one,  I  tell  you.  You  can't — " 

"Didn't  all  them  policemen  swear  that  he 
was  as  husky  as — " 

"Say,  you  can't  believe  -a  policeman  about 
anything.  It's  their  business.  That's  what 
their  job  is.  I  know  all  about  those  fellers. 
Why,  long  time  ago  when  I  first  come  to  this 
country,  I  told  a  hundred  policeman  I  was  al- 
most starved  to  death  and  say,  do  you  think 
they  believed  me  ?  You  bet  they  didn  't.  They 
told  me  to  get  a  move  on,  get  the  hell  out 
of  this,  beat  it, — you  bet  I  know  all  about  them 
fellers.  I—" 

The     foreman     interrupted     Mr.     Pushkin. 

"So  you  want  to  acquit  the  defendant  because 
his  lawyer  said  he  was  hungry, —  is  that  it?" 

"I  don't  blame  nobody  for  stealing  when  he 
is  almost  starved  to  death  and  got  a  wife  and 
children  almost  starved  to  death  too  because 
he  cannot  get  a  job  yet.  You  bet  I  don't.  I 
don't—" 

"Well,  of  all  the  damned—" 

"Can  you  beat  this  for — " 

"I've  heard  a  lot  of — " 


YOLLOP  103 

The  foreman  rapped  vigorously  with  an  ink- 
well, splashing  the  fluid  over  his  fingers  and 
quite  a  considerable  area  of  table-top. 

"Gentlemen!  Gentlemen!  Let  us  talk  this 
thing  over  quietly  and  calmly.  Mr.  Pushkin 
seems  to  have  a  wrong  conception  as  to  what 
constitutes  evidence.  Now,  let  me  have  the 
floor  for  a  few  minutes,  and  I'll  try  to  explain 
to  him  what  constitutes  evidence." 

One  hour  and  twenty  minutes  later  Mr.  Push- 
kin admitted  that  he  did  have  a  wrong  concep- 
tion as  to  what  constitutes  evidence,  but  still 
maintained  that  he  hated  like  sin  to  convict  a 
man  who  had  tried  so  hard  to  get  work  and 
couldn't. 

The  non-smoking  gentleman  was  one  of  the 
three  who  comprised  the  minority.  He  was  a 
mild  little  chap  with  weak  eyes  and  the 
sniffles.  By  profession  he  was  a  clock  maker. 
He  said  he  believed  that  the  defendant  was  un- 
questionably guilty  of  bigamy  and  that  the 
State  had  erred  in  charging  him  with  burglary. 
He  was  perfectly  willing  to  send  the  man  up 
for  bigamy  because,  according  to  the  evidence, 
it  took  precedence  over  the  crime  alleged  to 
have  been  committed  in  December,  1919.  In 
other  words,  he  explained,  Smilk  had  com- 
mitted bigamy  some  years  prior  to  the  burglary 
of  Mr.  Yollop's  apartment  and  he  believed  in 


104  YOLLOP 

taking  things  in  their  regular  order.  Of 
course,  he  went  on  to  say,  he  would  be  governed 
by  the  opinion  of  the  judge  if  it  were  possible 
under  the  circumstances  to  obtain  it.  He  did 
not  think  it  would  be  legal  to  put  the  burglary 
charge  ahead  of  the  bigamy  charge,  but  if  the 
judge  so  ordered  he  would  submit,  notwith- 
standing his  conviction  that  it  would  be  uncon- 
stitutional. Several  gentlemen  wanted  to  know 
what  the  constitution  had  to  do  with  it,  and  he, 
becoming  somewhat  exasperated,  declared  that 
the  present  jury  system  is  a  joke,  an  absolute 
joke. 

"Well,  it's  just  such  men  as  you  that  make 
it  a  joke,"  growled  Juror  No.  12. 

1  'Gentlemen!  Gentlemen ! ' '  admonished  the 
foreman.  "Let  us  have  no  recriminations, 
please.  It  occurs  to  me  that  we  ought  to  send 
a  note  to  the  court,  asking  for  instructions  on 
this  point." 

The  note  was  written  and  despatched  in  care 
of  the  glowering  bailiff,  who,  it  seems,  had  an 
engagement  to  go  to  the  movies  that  evening 
and  couldn't  believe  his  ears  when  he  ascer- 
tained that  the  boobs  had  not  yet  agreed  upon 
a  verdict  in  what  he  regarded  as  the  clearest 
case  that  had  ever  come  under  his  notice. 

In  the  meantime,  the  third  juror  explained 
his  vote  for  acquittal.  He  was  a  large,  heavy- 
jowled  man  with  sandy  mustache  and  a  vacancy 


YOLLOP  105 

among  his  upper  teeth  into  which  a  pipe-stem 
fitted  neatly.  He  was  the  superintendent  of  an 
apartment  building  in  Lenox  Avenue. 

"I  think  it's  a  frame-up,"  he  said,  pausing 
to  use  the  bicuspid  vacancy  for  the  purpose  of 
expectoration.  " That's  what  I  think  it  is. 
Now  I'm  in  a  position  as  superintendent  of  a 
flat  building  to  know  a  lot  about  what  goes  on 
among  the  bachelor  tenants.  I  ain't  sayin' 
that  the  prisoner  didn't  go  to  Mr.  What's-His- 
Name's  flat  without  an  invitation.  You  bet 
your  life  he  wasn't  expected,  if  my  guess  is 
correct.  I  tell  you  what  I  think, — 'and  my  opin- 
ion ought  to  be  worth  a  lot,  lemme  tell  you, — 
I  think  there's  something  back  of  all  this  that 
wasn't  brought  out  in  the  trial.  Now  here's 
something  I  bet  not  one  of  you  fellers  has 
thought  about.  What  evidence  is  there  that 
this  Chancy  woman  is  that  deaf  man's  sister? 
Not  a  blamed  word  of  evidence,  except  their 
own  statement.  She  ain't  his  sister  any  more 
than  I  am.  Did  you  ever  see  two  people  that 
looked  less  like  they  was  related  to  each 
other?  You  bet  you  didn't.  Now  I  got  a 
hunch  that  the  prisoner  follered  her  to  that 
guy's  apartment.  What  for,  I  don't  know. 
Maybe  for  blackmail.  He  got  onto  what 
was  goin'  on,  and  makes  up  his  mind  to 
rake  in  a  nice  bunch  of  hush-money.  That's 


106  YOLLOP 

been  done  a  couple  of  times  in  the  apartment 
buildin'  I'm  superintendent  of.  A  feller  I  had 
workin'  for  me  as  a  porter  cleaned  up  five  or 
six  hundred  dollars  that  way,  he  told  me.  This 
robbery  business  sounds  mighty  fishy  to  me. 
Now  I'm  only  tellin'  you  the  way  the  thing 
looks  to  me.  I  don't  think  that  woman  is 
Wollop's  sister  any  more  than  she  is  mine.  It's 
a  frame-up,  the  whole  thing  is.  Look  at  the 
way  this  Wollop  says  he  tied  her  up  and  all  that. 
Humph!  -Can't  you  fellers  see  through  this 
whole  business?  He  tied  her  up  so's  the  police 
would  find  her  tied  up,  that's  what  he  done. 
The  chances  are  she's  some  woman  customer 
of  his  that's  got  stuck  on  him,  tryin'  hats  and 
all  that, — and  maybe  gettin'  all  the  hats  she 
wants  for  nothin', — and  this  feller  Smilk  he 
gets  onto  the  game  and  goes  out  for  -a  little 
money.  See  what  I  mean  ? ' ' 

So  loud  and  so  furious  was  the  discussion 
that  followed  the  extraordinary  deductions  of 
Juror  No.  9,  that  the  bailiff  had  to  rap  half  a 
dozen  times  before  he  could  make  himself 
heard.  Finally  the  foreman,  purple  in  the  face, 
called  out  through  the  haze  of  smoke : 

"Come  in!" 

"The  judge  says  for  you  to  come  into  the 
court  room  for  instructions,"  announced  the 
officer.  "Never  mind  your  hats  and  coats. 


YOLLOP  107 

No  cigars,  gents.  Leave  'em  here.  They'll  be 
safe.  Come  on,  now.  It's  nearly  time  to  go 
to  supper." 

The  judge  informed  the  jury  that  they  could 
not  find  the  man  guilty  of  bigamy  and  curtly 
ordered  them  back  to  their  room  for  further 
deliberation.  They  took  another  ballot  before 
going  out  to  supper  at  a  nearby  restaurant, 
guarded  by  six  bailiffs,  who  warned  them  not 
to  discuss  the  case  while  outside  the  jury 
room.  The  second  ballot,  by  the  way,  was 
eight  for  conviction,  four  for  acquittal.  Juror 
No.  5  had  come  over  to  the  minority.  He  said 
there  was  something  in  the  theory  of  Juror 
No.  9. 

There  was  a  very  positive  disagreement  con- 
cerning the  meal  they  were  about  to  partake 
of.  The  foreman  spoke  of  it  as  dinner  and  was 
openly  sneered  at  by  eleven  gentlemen  who  had 
never  called  it  anything  but  supper.  The 
little  clockmaker,  having  been  overruled  by  the 
judge,  was  in  a  nasty  temper.  He  accused 
the  foreman  of  being  a  republican.  He  said  no 
democrat  ever  called  it  dinner.  It  wasn't 
democratic. 

Upon  their  return  to  the  jury  room  after  a 
meal  on  which  there  was  complete  agreement 
and  which  brought  out  considerable  talk  about 
the  penuriousness  of  the  County  of  New  York, 


108  YOLLOP 

they  settled  down  to  a  prolonged  and  profound 
discussion  of  their  differences.  It  soon  devel- 
oped that  all  but  two  of  the  jurors  had  been 
favorably  inclined  toward  the  defendant  up  to 
the  time  the  State  introduced  the  unexpected 
wives.  They  had  regarded  him  as  a  poor  un- 
fortunate, driven  to  crime  by  adversity,  and 
after  a  fashion  the  victim  of  an  arrogant  and 
soulless  police  system,  aided  and  abetted  by  the 
District  Attorney's  minions,  a  contemptible  rob- 
ber in  the  person  of  a  dealer  in  women's  hats, 
and  a  be  jeweled  snob  who  insulted  their  in- 
telligence by  trying  to  convince  them  that  her 
confidence  had  been  misplaced.  But  the  two 
wives  settled  it.  Smilk  was  a  rascal.  He 
ought  to  be  hung. 

"But,"  argued  No.  9,  "how  the  devil  do  we 
know  that  them  women  are  his  wives.  Their 
evidence  ain't  supported,  is  itf " 

" Didn't  they  have  certificates?"  demanded 
another  hotly. 

* '  Sure.  But  that  don 't  prove  that  he  was  the 
man,  does  it!" 

"And  didn't  the  prisoner  jump  up  and  yell: 
'My  God,  it's  all  off!  You've  got  me  cold! 
YouVe  got  me  dead  to  rights,'"  cried  an- 
other. 

"Oh,  there's  no  use  arguin'  with  you  guys," 
roared  No.  9,  disgustedly. 


YOLLOP  109 

Later  on  they  returned  to  the  court  room  to 
have  certain  parts  of  Mr.  Yollop's  testimony 
read  to  them.  After  this  a  ballot  was  taken, 
and  the  only  man  for  acquittal  was  the  clock- 
maker.  At  twenty  minutes  to  eleven  he  suc- 
cumbed, not  to  argument  or  persuasion  or 
reason  but  to  a  chill  February  draft  that  blew 
in  through  the  open  window  above  his  head. 
He  couldn't  get  away  from  it.  The  others 
wouldn  't  let  him.  They  got  him  up  in  a  corner 
and  he  couldn't  break  through.  He  told  them 
he  was  getting  pneumonia,  that  the  draft 
would  be  the  death  of  him,  that  he'd  take  back 
what  he  said  about  the  smoke  almost  suffocat- 
ing him, — still  they  surrounded  him,  and  ar- 
gued with  him,  and  called  him  things  he  didn't 
feel  physically  able  to  call  them,  and  at  last 
he  voted  guilty. 

Smilk,  haggard  with  worry, — for  he  had 
come  to  think,  as  the  hours  went  by  without  a 
verdict,  that  there  would  be  a  disagreement  or, 
worse  than  that,  an  acquittal,  in  which  case  he 
would  have  to  face  the  charge  of  bigamy  that 
the  district  attorney  had  more  than  inti- 
mated,— Smilk  slouched  dejectedly  into  the 
court  room  a  few  minutes  before  eleven  o  'clock 
and  went  through  the  familiar  process  of  facing 
the  jury  while  the  jury  faced  him.  He  straight- 
ened up  eagerly  when  the  verdict  was  read. 


110  YOLLOP 

He  took  a  long,  deep  breath.  His  eyes  bright- 
ened,— they  almost  twinkled, — as  they  searched 
the  room  in  quest  of  Mr.  Yollop.  He  was  dis- 
appointed to  find  that  the  gentle  milliner  was 
not  there  to  hear  the  good  news. 

The  judge  sentenced  him  to  twenty  years  im- 
prisonment at  hard  labor,  and  he  went  back  to 
his  cell  in  the  Tombs,  a  triumphant,  vindicated 
champion  of  the  laws  of  his  State,  a  doughty 
warrior  carrying  the  .banner  of  justice  up  to 
the  very  guns  of  sentiment. 

Mr.  Yollop  received  a  friendly  letter  from 
him  some  two  months  after  his  return  to  Sing 
Sing.  He  found  it  early  one  morning  on  his 
library  table,  sealed  but  minus  the  stamp  that 
the  government  exacts  for  safe  and  conscien- 
tious delivery.  Mr.  Yollop 's  stenographer,  be- 
ing more  or  less  finicky  about  English  as  it 
should  be  written,  even  by  thieves,  is  respon- 
sible for  the  transcript  in  which  it  is  here  pre- 
sented: 

Dear  friend — 

I  hope  this  finds  you  in  the  best  of  health.  I  am 
back  on  the  job  and  very  glad  to  be  so.  It  is  very 
gay  up  here  and  I  am  getting  fat  also.  Regular 
hours  is  doing  it,  and  no  worry  I  suppose.  I  wish 
to  inform  you  that  the  movies  have  improved  con- 
siderable since  I  was  here  before  and  our  baseball 
team  is  much  better.  Also  the  concerts  and  so  on. 
Grub  also  up  to  standard.  I  never  eat  better  grub 


YOLLOP  111 

at  the  Ritz-Carlton.  Which  is  no  lie  either.  Well, 
Mr.  Yollop,  before  closing  I  want  to  say  you  done  me 
a  mighty  good  turn  when  you  thought  of  them  two 
wives  of  mine.  If  it  had  not  been  for  them  two 
women  I  guess  it  would  have  been  all  off  with  me. 
I  wish  you  would  drop  in  here  to  see  me  if  you  are 
ever  up  this  way  so  as  I  can  thank  you  in  person. 
Which  reminds  me.  There  is  some  talk  among  the 
boys  that  a  movement  is  on  foot  to  have  a  regular 
fancy  dress  ball  up  here  once  a  month.  Some  kind 
of  a  benevolent  society  is  working  on  it  they  say. 
Big  orchestra,  eats  from  Delmonico's  and  a  crowd  of 
girls  from  the  smart  set  to  dance  with  us.  So  as  we 
won't  get  out  of  practice,  I  suppose.  'Soon  as  I  hear 
when  the  first  dance  is  to  be  I  will  let  you  know  and 
maybe  you  will  come  up  to  be  present.  I  will  intro- 
duce you  to  a  lot  of  swell  dames  and  maybe  you  can 
drum  up  a  nice  trade  among  them  on  account  of  their 
all  being  fashionable  and  needing  a  good  many  hats. 
It  must  be  great  to  be  in  a  business  like  yours,  where 
nobody  cares  how  many  times  you  rob  them  just  so 
you  leave  them  enough  money  to  buy  shoes  with,  be- 
cause if  you  ask  me  they  ain't  wearing  much  of  any- 
thing but  hats  and  shoes  these  days.  Well,  I  guess  I 
will  close,  Mr.  Yollop.  With  kind  regards  from 
yours  truly,  I  remain 

Yours  truly, 
C.  SMILK. 

P.  S. — I  forgot  to  mention  that  this  letter  was  left 
in  your  library  by  a  pal  of  mine  who  dropped  in  last 


112  YOLLOP 

night  while  you  was  asleep,  unless  he  got  nabbed  like 
a  darned  fool  before  he  got  a  chance  to  do  this 
friendly  little  errand  for  me.  He  dropped  in  to  get 
that  wad  of  bills  I  left  there  some  time  ago.  If  you 
get  this  letter  he  got  the  roll. 


A     000  752  041     4 


